September 2016 – Natalie Mills, San Francisco Psychotherapist, Trauma Specialist

What Gets in the Way of Self-Care?

September 27, 2016April 8, 2017

We hear a lot about the importance of self-care. It’s become a pretty big industry. It’s even commonplace to be asked what we do to take care of ourselves when we are applying for certain jobs. We know it’s good for us. We want to do it, but it’s not as easy as it sounds. Self-care is incredibly personal and defined on a case-by-case basis. What I might consider self-care you might consider a chore or a waste of time. When we finally figure out what self-care means to us, we run into other obstacles. We don’t have the time or the means or the motivation. Sometimes we feel that we have such a deficit of self-care that we’re overwhelmed by what we need and don’t know where to start. We just keep slogging through life because it’s what we know how to do and what we’ve always done.

Let’s take a break from all that slogging and look at some of the common issues that get in the way of self-care:

A lack of understanding of what self-care is: A good way to find out what feels like self-care to you is to explore. Ask yourself what you need and want more of in life and what you need to do to get it. For some it might be more play time. For others it might be more work time. Some of us might need more massages and nights out with friends while others might require more time to prepare meals and quiet time. Sometimes it’s more specific. Someone might want to self-advocate more in relationships needs to create a self-care plan around that. Some of us need many hours of self-care per week and some of us need a lot fewer. And it’s subject to change from week to week and age to age; what we consider self-care at 25 might be different at 35.

Defining ourselves based on what other people think: When we define ourselves and our worth based on what others think we imprison ourselves. We either deprive ourselves of the self-care behaviors we know we need or we engage them in secret, surrounding ourselves with guilt. We feel we have to steal that time instead of owning it. I know how hard this is. We live in a culture that encourages us to define our worth by how busy we are, how overworked and exhausted we are. If we have anything left to give at the end of the day we haven’t done enough. We’re not as worthy as someone who doesn’t make time for themselves.

Low self-worth: The lower our self-worth the less we believe that we have the right to self-care. We’re on a hamster wheel just running to try to reach that coveted status symbol of worth. We run ourselves into the ground. We work around the clock. We don’t say “no.” We don’t hold limits with other people. We people please. We try to fit in.

Perfectionism: We eat into our self-care time with work, chores, favors for other people. It’s hard for us to stop something mid-project or before it meets our unattainable measure of satisfaction. Sometimes it’s a little more subtle; we don’t want to start a self-care routine until we (are in a relationship, move, lose weight, are sure we have the job, etc.) This is dicey because there will never be a right time to start the routine. There will always be something that prevents us from taking care of ourselves. We’ll just keep running on that hamster wheel.

Inability to ask for help/define needs: When we introduce self-care into our lives it usually requires a change somewhere else. We need to restructure our time and this can impact other aspects of our lives and relationships. When we can’t ask for what we need we stay stuck. Not asking for help when we need it is a great way to make self-care seem like a chore. It becomes one more thing we have to get done instead of something that feels restorative and nutritive.

Shame: When we carry beliefs that we are defective, not enough, unworthy, or intrinsically bad it’s difficult for us to believe that we deserve to take care of ourselves. We’re usually too busy trying to prove our worth by taking care of others to give ourselves care. This is an insidious issue that has many faces and can show up in various aspects of our lives. It can feel nearly impossible to take care of ourselves when we’re carrying around shame.

The list looks like a pretty tall order of change to address, and I’ll be the first to admit that it’s challenging. We’ll have to be willing to look at our patterns and narratives and do some uncomfortable work. It’s better than the alternative, though. It’s better than staying stuck in the pile of shame and resentment and exhaustion. Let’s get to work.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Navigating Investment and Detachment

September 19, 2016September 20, 2016

I’ve spent years thinking about this. I’m learning to practice it regularly and often find myself challenged by it. I talk a lot about it with people, our struggle to cultivate balance that works for us. How do we balance investment with detachment? We frequently find ourselves oscillating between the two, trying to find a balance that works for us. We do it with everything- relationships, goals, jobs, conversations, literally everything.

We come across it every day. “I want my kid to be happy. I think a), b), and c) will make him happy.” “I want my friend to have a healthy relationship, but she’s married to an idiot. She’s totally settling.” “The agency I work for isn’t optimizing their marketing tools. They’re selling themselves short!” “My brother isn’t putting enough into his retirement. He’s irresponsible, and he’s going to have to pay for it later.”
I’m far from having found the perfect equation to balancing investment with detachment. I have, however, found a few helpful tools.

Helpful Tips:

Look at how we make meaning: “a), b), and c) will make him happy.” “She’s totally settling.” “He’s irresponsible, and he’s going to have to pay for it later.” These are all assumptions we’ve used to make meaning of someone’s behavior, and we can take it to the next level. “My kid is academically talented. If she applies herself, she’ll have her choice of schools and careers; she’ll feel empowered and confident. She will have a happy and successful life. If I send her to this elementary school and keep her on this track it means that a) I’m a good parent because I want my daughter to be happy and successful and b) she will, in fact, be happy.” It’s pretty hard to detach from the outcome of something you believe makes you a good parent or that will make your child happy. Allowing ourselves some space to explore how we’ve arrived at this meaning helps us reevaluate our process. We can dig around to see how we’ve come to subscribe to our beliefs. Sometimes we’ve been caring around these beliefs and narratives for a lifetime.
It’s common for us to personalize what people do. It can feel almost as though they are doing it at or to us. “If she stops doing this, it means she respects me.” “If he does this, it means he respects me.” We become entrenched in the stories we tell ourselves about what others do. Looking at how we make meaning will allow crucial insight into what we need to do to balance our investment with detachment.

Be honest with ourselves: We can ask ourselves, “Is this for them or me? Why do I feel so unflinchingly passionate about this?” When we look at how we make meaning of something, we also need to practice honesty. Sometimes we’ll come up with the same answer that’s always felt true, “because I love them, and I want them to be happy.” Sometimes we’ll realize that it’s because we’re equating control with love or worthiness. “If they take my advice, it means they love me/that I’m worthy.” or “If I impose my advice, it means I love them.” We can come to many different conclusions. It’s important that we’re curious and honest with ourselves about our intentions. We often tell ourselves that we’re doing something because we love someone. I don’t know about you, but most people I know don’t experience lectures or micromanagement as love. Intellectually, we know that that’s probably where they come from, but it doesn’t give us a felt experience of love.
Practice compassion (with ourselves and others): By looking for reasons and ways to have compassion for ourselves and others we give ourselves space from frustration. When we understand why someone chooses what they choose or behaves in a certain way, it helps us to shift from feeling infuriated to feeling love and patience. It’s another way of making meaning of behavior that depersonalizes someone else’s choices or behavior and replaces it with empathy and understanding.

Ask ourselves how it affects us: Some people and situations affect us more than others. We might not be terribly affected by a sibling’s choice of how they choose to manage their retirement account as we are by the choices made by our employer. Luckily, even when it seems as though there’s no way around the deep effects of someone or something, we have some choices. We have a choice in how much we personalize things or in the perspective with which we align ourselves. I like to ask myself, “How does this affect me?” I like to follow it up with, “What can I do about it?” (which can be a little tricky sometimes because of ideas like lecturing someone or imposing my view seem like viable options. They’re not.) I also like to ask myself, “Am I trying to stop someone from learning from their experiences?” I’ve been surprised by how many times the answer is, “Yep, I definitely am.”
It’s hard to let go of the things that win our investment. But finding our balance between investment and detachment is a precious gift that we give to ourselves and our loved ones.
Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

6 Things That Are Preventing You From Balancing Your Life

September 13, 2016September 20, 2016

We receive countless messages throughout the day. Our brains are inundated with them. Many of these messages encourage us to do more, work more, achieve more, get more. We carry around devices that aid these messages. They have the capacity to immediately link us to people, limitless information, our work, our responsibilities, pretty much anything. With this much accessibility to stimulation, it’s never been easier to run ourselves into the ground than it is right now. If we’re not careful with it, it can complicate an already tricky challenge of striking the balance between work and responsibility and the rest of our lives. We can be at work, but chat with friends online, online shop, send snapchats, and read blogs. (Maybe you’re even reading this blog at work right now.) We can go on vacation, but attend conference calls with colleagues and clients, answer emails, and work on tasks. Everything can just kind of… merge with everything else. Pretty soon, we’re trying to relax when we’re at work and trying to work when we’re at home. We go to bed at 2 am and struggle to get up for work. We’re caught in an exhausting cycle. With all the distractions, messages to do more, and responsibilities we have to manage it’s hard to feel like creating a balance between work and everything else in life is even a possibility. I’d like to look at some of what stops us from creating the balance we’d like.

Perfectionism: The need to finish every single note, email, assignment, or task before we leave for the day. The need to return all of the voicemails. A lot of the time it’s unrealistic. If our expectation is to complete every single thing we’re tasked with every single day, we’ll find ourselves leaving work late and taking our work home with us. We have to learn to prioritize and delegate. We can’t go to every meeting someone thinks we should attend. We can’t expect to leave each day with our inboxes empty. We have to skip some meetings or send a colleague. We have to get to the first three or first five most important priorities and proceed from there. We’ll feel stuck, our of control, resigned if we try to hold ourselves to the unrealistic standards of perfectionism.
Getting distracted during work time: Facebook, Reddit, cat memes, texting or chatting with friends, dealing with household issues- we’ve all been there. If we often give into these distractions, we probably don’t finish all the work we would like to by the end of our work day. It also probably means that we end up taking work home with us to make up for it. If it’s just a matter of sucking it up and getting the work done, that’s one thing. If we’re feeling uninspired by our work and want to escape, then maybe we need to pay more attention to that. It’s possible we need to make an adjustment in the job or even career.
No delineation between work-time and off-time hours: They’re merged. Between email and list serves that come to our phones, taking work home with us, and all the apps that our jobs use to “keep us connected,” we can (and do) work anywhere, anytime. We see a notification pop up, check it out, and respond. We do this habitually. It feels as though we have to respond immediately. We start to believe that we have no say in the matter, no control over our lives. To reestablish our agency, we need to set and keep distinct work-time and home/off-time hours. Stop checking email, apps, and voicemail at 7p. Don’t check them on the weekends. Find whatever works for you and stick to it otherwise, you’ll always feel that pull to respond and your time won’t feel like your own.
Not enough exercise or meditation: Both of these activate the parasympathetic nervous system which helps calm us. It’s known as the “rest and digest” mechanism, and it helps slow the heart rate and relax the sphincter muscles. When we strengthen our parasympathetic nervous system, we improve our resources available to help calm our sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight response). Start small with 20 minutes of physical activity and 5 minutes of meditation. Build on it until you find what works for you.
Fixed mindset: Every so often it’s important to reevaluating our schedules and responsibilities. Does it still work for us? If we’ve taken on new responsibilities at work or home, we should try looking at the distribution to see if it feels manageable to us. Most of us can’t keep putting more on our plates without taking something off. Look at changing or reallocating responsibilities at work or home. Ask for what you need. Learn to delegate.
Not prioritizing time for ourselves: We need time to do what we want to do. Sometimes it’s enough to meditate or go for a swim or even take the car to get the oil changed. But sometimes that just feels like more work. Check in with yourself to see what kind of time for yourself you’re craving. Maybe you need some time with friends or time alone, a day trip, a vacation- something to change your scenery and routine. What do you think might help you to recharge?

These tips can be helpful, but sometimes just reading suggestions like these will make us want to scream or cry or roll our eyes. “Yeah, that sounds great. I’d love to have time for myself. Unfortunately, I have too many responsibilities and by the time I have a second of down time I fall asleep, or someone needs something.” And sometimes we feel like we’re already doing all the suggestions and trying all the tip variations, but still don’t feel like balance is possible. If this feels like you, let me know, and we can try to figure out next steps. I know it’s not always as easy as rearranging a few things.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

What You Practice Will Continue

September 6, 2016September 20, 2016

Who among us hasn’t gotten fed up with some pattern to which we seemed to be unflinchingly committed and decided that today is the day to make a once-and-for-all change? We’ve bought the self-help books, read them all the way through, completed the exercises, and made a plan for ourselves. And then in a couple of weeks (if that) we’ve felt as though the book that was going to help us change our patterns (improve our relationship, help us get fit, connect us to happiness) never happened at all. It’s as though we never even picked them up. And that seems to be the best case scenario. It’s more likely that we’ve bought the books and gotten half or part-way through them and haven’t completed all (or any) of the exercises. We lose interest, lose steam, and we lose motivation to revisit them. We blame the books, ourselves, our busy schedules, other people.

This frustration is definitely not specific to self-help books. It can happen with anything- a motivational speech we attend, a heart-to-heart we have with a loved one about changing something in the relationship, a heart-to-heart we have with ourselves about not choosing the wrong people anymore. How many times have we found ourselves saying something like, “How many times do I have to tell you?!” or “How many times do we have to have this conversation?” and “I’ve tried to change this so many times. Nothing works.” It’s infuriating as hell, and it makes us feel like giving up and walking away.

And I know how it feels. I’ve had partially-read self-help books stack up on my bookshelf, too. I have also said, “How many times do we have to talk about this?!” Don’t lose heart. The human brain learns by doing, by experience. It would be awesome if we learned by doing something just one time, but we are people, not robots. In what sport do the players practice one time? In which subject do students have a one-time class? Do musicians attend one practice? Did any of us learn to drive by driving a car once? When have we ever been prescribed a one-pill antibiotic? (Actually, this one-time antibiotic might be a real thing now. I’m not sure.) Anyway, you get it.

Our brains are set up to let our sweet, little neurons flow wherever there is a synaptic connection. We strengthen those connections through use. The more we think about, practice, or experience something, the more we embed that synaptic connection. It will be the first path down which our cute neurons choose to travel. (Keep in mind that during sleep our brain experiences synaptic pruning which means that it discards all of the weak associations it has made. It identifies the strongest synaptic connection and saves them. It assumes they are most important.)

Don’t donate those self-help books quite yet. Consider rereading them. Keep having the same discussion about the distribution of household duties with your spouse. Keep trying to make the changes you’ve been trying to make. Remind yourself that, even though school might be forever out of session, studying is still a requirement for success. We study every day; we’re just not aware of it.

If I think and talk about how much I hate Brian from work, what an idiot he is, how clueless he is, I am studying how much I hate Brian. The more I think about how awful Brian is, the stronger I make that synaptic connection. The stronger the connection gets, the more important my brain thinks that information is, and the more neurons are inclined to choose that pathway. I can turn this in any direction. I can practice thinking about idiotic Brian or I can practice detaching and remind myself that his behavior isn’t about me. I can practice having important conversations about repeat-scenarios with someone in whom I am invested. I can practice the homework my therapist gives me and the exercises my health coach assigns and the exercises I read in self-help books to strengthen those neural networks. So, keep practicing, as often as you can. Keep getting back on the wagon after you’ve fallen off. It’s not as easy as a one-time fix, but it’s more realistic and sustainable.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie