Sabotaging Your Relationship?

Posted on
Natalie Mills San Francisco Psychotherapy and Coaching, San Francisco Counseling, San Francisco Therapy, San Francisco CA Therapists, San Francisco CA Therapist, San Francisco CA Couples Counseling, couples therapy san francisco ca, couples therapist san francisco ca, San Francisco Marriage Therapy, San Francisco Marriage Counseling, San Francisco Coaching, EMDR therapists in San Francisco, EMDR therapist in san Francisco ca, EMDR therapy in San Francisco CA, psychologist in san francisco, female psychotherapist san francisco, psychotherapist in san francisco, marriage and family therapist in san francisco, relationship therapy in san francisco, help with intimacy therapy san francisco, help with intimacy San Francisco, parenting issues san Francisco therapy, help for depression in san francisco, depression treatment san francisco, anxiety treatment san Francisco, help for anxiety san francisco, addiction treatment San Francisco, alcoholism treatment san francisco ca, help with substance abuse san francisco, eating disorders, help with anorexia san francisco, help with bulimia san francisco, help with binge eating disorder san francisco, learning self-care, EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, self-compassion therapy san francisco, family therapy san francisco, eating disorder therapist in San Francisco ca, eating disorder specialist san francisco, pre marital therapy san francisco, couples therapy san francisco, couples therapist San Francisco, pre marital counseling san francisco, recovering from an eating disorder san francisco, help with eating disorder san francisco, treatment for anorexia san francisco ca, treatment for bulimia san francisco ca, treatment for binge eating san francisco ca, addiction treatment san francisco ca, treatment for substance abuse san francisco, eating disorder treatment San Francisco, mental health san francisco, mental health therapist san francisco, mental health professional san francisco, healing from shame san francisco, recovering from infidelity san francisco ca, career counseling san francisco, trauma recovery san Francisco therapy ca, trauma treatment san francisco ca, mental health support in san francisco, treatment for shame san francisco, secual abuse specialist san francisco ca, treatment for sexual abuse san francisco therapy, trauma treatment San Francisco, PTSD therapist in San Francisco ca, therapy for PTSD in San Francisco ca, trauma specialist san francisco, PTSD specialist san francisco, treatment for obsessive compulsive disorder san francisco ca, anger management therapy san francisco, stress management therapy san francisco, help with communication san francisco, performance enhancement coaching san francisco, attachment-based therapy san francisco, attachment-based therapist san francisco, mindful meditation therapy san francisco, sex therapy san francisco, sex therapist san francisco, sexuality specialist therapy san francisco, treatment for sexual abuse san francisco, psychospiritual therapy san francisco ca, grief therapy san francisco ca, feminist therapy san francisco, treatment for Narcissistic personality disorder san francisco, treatment for borderline personality disorder san francisco, marriage counseling san francisco, attachment-focused therapy san francisco, internal family systems therapy san francisco, internal family systems therapist in san francisco, choosing a therapist in san francisco, choosing the right therapist in san francisco, how to choose a therapist san francisco, find a therapist in san francisco, female therapist in san francisco, finding the right therapist san francisco, ethical non-monogamy affirming therapist in san francisco ca, ethical nonmonogamy affirming therapist in san francisco ca, polyamory affirming therapist san francisco ca

What comes to mind when you think of relationship sabotage? Some people think of ways they have sabotaged their relationships while others think of ways they feel others have sabotaged their relationships, maybe a partner (or ex-partner).

There are infinite ways we can sabotage relationships. We can let our suspicions get the better of us. We can let our resentments go unchecked and without productive communication. We can let our fears run wild. The list goes on.

Sometimes we can clearly identify what we’re doing- that we are sabotaging our relationships, how we’re doing it, and why. Other times it might be a bit less clear; we can’t quite see what we are doing and the toll that it’s taking on our relationships. It can feel like things “just don’t work out” or that we’re “meeting the wrong people.”

Now, sometimes that last statement is true. Sometimes we’re unknowingly engaged in patterns of meeting and being attracted to people who are a poor fit for us. This can be one type of sabotage although, what we might be “sabotaging” might not be the relationship itself. Perhaps we are sabotaging the belief that we are capable of having rich and satisfying intimate relationships. Maybe we are sabotaging the hope that we can have what we want. Or maybe we’re trying to beat disappointment to the punch by setting ourselves up for failure right from the start.

That’s not always the case, though. Sometimes we’re in completely well-matched relationships and still experience a lot of pain, turmoil, and struggle. (Whoops. How’d that happen?) These are the times when it’s possible that we’re letting fear, insecurity, suspicion, and resentment take over and poison our relationships. I have met countless couples seeking therapy because they thought that maybe they weren’t the right fit for one another only to find out that they can be great together once they have the right tools.

So, how can we tell the difference? No one wants to end a perfectly good relationship if they don’t have to.

Let’s start with the basics. One of the most important players in a relationship is communication- how you communicate with others and how they communicate with you. This includes empathy, openness, honesty, and taking responsibility for your side of the street. Sometimes there isn’t quite enough of these qualities in a relationship, and the feeling of connection and intimacy takes a pretty big hit. Communication also includes how the two of you attempt to repair wounding in the relationship. Does it seem like both of you can sense when there has been hurt feelings or ruffled feathers? When you each sense that, indeed, there has been, are both of you able to reach out to one another in an attempt to mend the injury? When either of you reaches out, does the other allow that in and accept the attempt?

There are plenty of other important ingredients that go into identifying and maintaining a healthy relationship, but communication is a substantial part of any foundation.

If you have questions or want to talk about your relationship or relationship patterns, give me a call at (415) 794-5243 or email me at natalie@nataliemillsmft.com. I look forward to talking about this with you!

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Leave a Reply