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Deepen Your Relationship in Conflict

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Deepen Your Relationship in Conflict

A few days ago, I came across various articles warning readers about what not to say to different groups of people- what not to ask women, what not to say to new parents, what not to ask an older male divorcee, what never, ever to ask (fill in the blank). I decided to investigate these articles further so that I might be able to understand the messages. After reading them, it seemed that the message to readers was pretty clear. The authors hoped that their words would preclude people from offending each other, sounding stupid, or both.

Overall, I appreciated this sentiment. I don’t like to see people get their feelings hurt either. But the more I thought about the authors’ collective message, the more I couldn’t help but get the feeling that there might be an even deeper message, a message that communicated danger in being curious.

As a therapist, I see a lot of people who want to learn how to manage conflict in a more productive way so that they can have the relationships, careers, and lives they want. A lot of learning how to manage conflict is a) learning how to manage one’s emotions, b) learning about the language one uses to communicate (and what it says about them), and c) curiosity about another’s experience. We are in conflict in every way, every day. Conflict is simply variation. We all manage (and mismanage) conflict every day, sometimes without realizing it.

When I hear people urging others out there to clam up and not ask specific questions, I hear them asking for people not to communicate their curiosity. It sounds as though they are suggesting that the antidote to conflict is a closed mouth. Of course, that isn’t the intention; I know that. But a lot of relationship wounds happen unintentionally.

Which brings me to… intention. When you are managing conflict, it’s important to pay attention to intention, both your own and another person’s. If another person’s intention is unclear to you, it’s a great idea to ask them. If it seems like they’re trying to make you feel uncomfortable, provoke you, etc., the conversation will probably feel like more of an attack and their questions might feel more threatening or offensive. Most people don’t want to oblige people’s questions when they feel threatened. But what if someone is genuinely curious about your experience? Then how do you feel about questions?

What if the thirty-something single working mom wants you to ask the questions that you have about her life so that she can broaden your understanding, feel a little less isolated, and deepen her connection to you? Obviously, the first step is to ask if you can ask. Second, be respectful and non-critical if she doesn’t want to answer certain questions. I imagine that part of what went into creating these lists of what not to ask who is the notion that there are times when it’s tough to be and feel vulnerable, that we need to respect this in one another.

Take some time right now to think about questions that might be on your “questions never to ask me” list. How did they get on that list? What does it mean to you when someone asks you these questions? Does age, gender, sexuality, privilege, economic status factor in? If so, how? What feeling is evoked when someone asks you or when you think about someone asking you these particular questions? What would you like to avoid by avoiding said questions?

I’m reasonable. I get that it might feel surprising (and maybe a little jarring) to be asked certain questions by strangers or those with whom you are not close, no matter how pure the intention. I’m not advocating for intrusiveness. But it seems like there is a lot of “never ask this!” advice for friends and family and I think it’s such a disservice to intimacy and connection! Most humans want to understand and be understood by one another.

 

Love and Be Loved,

Natalie

Try This When You Are Overwhelmed by Stress

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Try This When You Are Overwhelmed by Stress

Ever heard the phrase, “If you can’t get out of it, get into it?” It’s the motto for the experience-based outdoor education program, Outward Bound. The idea is both simple and revolutionary; if you can’t avoid an experience it, explore it. Find out more about it, what you need, and why that’s important.

This takes a lot of intention because, to be honest, most of the time, we want to get out of things. We want to get out of our uncomfortable situations, painful feelings, anxiety-addled thoughts. We want to end our imbalanced relationships and quit our stressful jobs. We want to get out of discomfort and into comfort.

We end up living lives of dread- dread of chaos, dread of pain, dread of all kinds of woe. In our attempt to keep ourselves out of discomfort, we live full-time in anticipation of it which can be pretty uncomfortable. That’s the worst part of all of it! In our effort to prepare for or avoid dis-ease, we end up living lives full of it. It seems a little counterintuitive.

Sometimes just the thought of sitting without pain or stress or discomfort sends us into a tailspin. “But I sit with it every day! I feel depressed and anxious all the time because I’m sitting with it!” people say. “If you knew how bad I felt, you wouldn’t tell me to try to ‘sit with it.’”

I get it. Life can feel like one big compound-stress heap sometimes (or a lot of the times), especially when you live in a metropolitan area. Things are more expensive, quicker-paced, more competitive, and more crowded.

I’m not simply talking about sitting with your discomfort and thinking about how uncomfortable you are. (I have a feeling you might already do that…) I’m talking about intentionality- intentional curiosity, intentional honesty, intentional exploration. It’s the opposite of stewing in your stress.

Let’s take math, for instance, any math. Remember how our teachers wanted us to show our work? Most likely, you didn’t get credit for answering a problem correctly unless you showed all of your work. They wanted us to be able to see how we arrived at the numerical destination to show that we understood everything that went into making that outcome possible. Then, we could build on our understanding and have the ability to answer increasingly challenging questions. Incidentally, some of us didn’t feel very confident in our math computation capabilities. Some days it can feel like life is one giant math problem.

I’m asking you to try breaking it down; break-down the problem or insecurity or stress to see how you arrived here and what it will take for you to be able to do what you need or want to do. Solve for x by working backwards.

If a relationship is so stressful that you are contemplating ending it, first look at some of the information you have. How did it become this stressful? How do the two of you handle conflict? If you fight, what are the fights like? (Name-calling? Swearing? Throwing things? Hitting below the belt?)

If it’s your job that you are thinking of quitting, what has convinced you that your dis-ease will dissolve once you’re at a new job? How did you come to understand it this way? What’s the worst part of it and why?

Sometimes the answer will be to end a relationship, quit a job, sometimes not. The feeling of self-assuredness we seek regarding an outcome usually comes from the sense that we have adequate information (that we understand), feel resourced in ourselves and are connected to our intention. We don’t like to feel like we’re grasping around in the dark and will take the first thing we hit. That makes us feel more scared and desperate.

When you allow yourself to sit with what makes you uncomfortable, ask yourself questions, are honest with yourself about the answers, you give yourself the most solid platform from which to launch your intentional decision.

I’m also aware that this can’t always happen. Sometimes, life calls for fast and swift action. There are situations in which the only decision we have to make is to how we will respond. Either way, I’d love to talk with you more about this. I know it can feel overwhelming.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

What You Need to Know Before You Break Up, Divorce, Or Separate

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What You Need to Know Before You Break Up, Divorce, Or Separate

I see a lot of couples and individuals who seek help with their romantic relationships, marriages, and intimate partner relationships. The most common issue they bring involves some kind of change they would like to make in the way they communicate. This can mean a variety of things.

“We have problems with communication,” can mean that one partner wants the other to have mind-reading capabilities (which often results in resentment), difficulty taking responsibility (defensiveness and blame), unaddressed or unmanaged insecurities, frequent criticism by one or both partners, or shutting the other out. Often, all of these are present. This can be exhausting and discouraging. When this difficulty in “communication” has gone unmanaged long enough, people begin to wonder if it means a break-up is imminent. I hear the phrases “fresh start” and “clean slate” more than I can count. Often, people feel as if relief cannot be achieved fast enough.

A small background on humans and our emotions (and emotion management):

There are two brains that are responsible for our emotional life, the prefrontal cortex (logic) and the limbic system (emotion). The prefrontal cortex is in charge of our executive functioning. Because of our prefrontal cortex we can make decisions, calculations, and reason.

Our limbic system is our emotion center, the pain and pleasure centers, where our fight or flight responses originate. When activated, the limbic system releases adrenaline. Adrenaline interferes with/prohibits the prefrontal cortex from reasoning. If the limbic system is incredibly triggered, it releases a lot of adrenaline. If it is only slightly triggered, it releases less.

This system works great when we need to act without thinking. If in danger, we can quickly get to safety. The same system is less ideal when we need to think before we do or say something (which is most of the time). When we legitimately need immediate relief, it is an efficient interaction. When we feel like we need immediate relief (and are not actually in danger), we have our work cut out for us.

In short, when our lives are not in danger, our limbic system makes us stupid.

It’s common for people to experience stress involving the two brains in other aspects of their lives, too, not only in relationship. We look for a “fresh start” in many places- jobs, places of residence, careers, and groups for instance. It’s just as common for those who have begun a fresh start to find that they’ve made a mistake or that the problem has followed them. This can bring about feelings of anger, grief, confusion, desperation, and hopelessness.

We ask ourselves, “Should I stay or should I go?” (Because we like to simplify things, and we want to feel better yesterday.) It would benefit us to shift our thinking a bit and ask ourselves,

“What am I looking for? What would have to be true for me to have the experience I want?” This pattern of thinking sets the scene for a more curious, thoughtful mindset. Instead of piling reaction on top of reaction, we have the chance to clearly navigate our situations with intention and care.

I encourage you to do just that; ask yourself what you’re after and what would have to be true for this to be experienced. Give yourself time and space for thought and curiosity. To quote the adage- “Don’t just do something. Sit there.”

If you would like to find out more about strategies to manage your emotions, read my older entries, stay tuned for newer entries, or give me a call. Whatever you do, be patient and compassionate with yourself so that you can figure out what will work for you. You would probably rather have lasting relief over immediate (and usually short-lived) relief.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Build Your Confidence in Relationships

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Build Your Confidence in Relationships

A few years ago, I was walking down a mostly-empty street in my neighborhood, and I saw someone walking in my direction. He was an older man, looking down, walking rather quickly. I waited for him to look up so that I could smile at him or acknowledge him in some way. He didn’t look up, and we both kept walking in our separate directions.

This went on for about four months or so. Different times of day, we passed one another, neither of us greeting one another. For years I had been completely comfortable with this kind of coexistence. I was fine to walk past people without looking at or speaking to them, without making any attempt to connect with them.

Eventually, I noticed a shift. I wanted to reach out to people. I wanted to be a safe, friendly, loving face. My first efforts at this were with this man.

Day after day this man and I walked past one another without much (if any) interaction. After a few months, I said my first “good morning” to him. He briefly looked up, glanced in my direction, looked back down, and continued his quick pace. I decided to stick with my new addition to our routine passing and continued to greet him each time we saw one another.

We pressed through this new phase of our interaction for a few months. We would approach one another; I greeted him; he would quickly glance at me and keep walking. I grew accustomed to this and began to expect it.

One day, as I was gearing up for our usual interface, something changed. I smiled, said hello… and he smiled back. He slowed down, smiled at me, and said, “It’s a beautiful morning, isn’t it?” We chatted for about a minute or so and then continued on our way.

I was elated. After almost a year of consistent behavior and subtle shifts, we were strengthening our gentle little connection. Every day after that, we shared bits of our lives with one another, our weekend plans, which books we were rereading for the hundredth time and why. I still enjoy our connection. We now look for one another and begin our conversation long before we’re side by side.

This process has taught me significant lessons.

If I had never reached out at all or given up early on when it seemed like my neighborhood friend preferred that we keep our narratives to ourselves, I wouldn’t get to enjoy the connection that we have today. If I had stopped reaching out to him any time I felt rejected or embarrassed because he didn’t meet my reach, it would have been a loss- the loss of a warm connection and the loss of my authenticity.

Just because someone might not respond the way you hope doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do or say what’s in your heart.

As I thought about what I learned from the interactions with my neighborhood friend, I started to think about how it could inform my more intimate relationships. What could I give to and gain from relationships in which I reach out empathically, patiently, selflessly? If I can reach out to a stranger for almost a year and expect nothing in return, how am I capable of being in long-term relationships? I began to wonder what my life could be like if I didn’t need anything or anyone to be different from how they are at any given moment.

What seemed like a mundane part of my day turned into an invaluable gift. I started keeping my eyes open to other lessons that might be right in front of me, lessons that I had previously ignored. I like what I am finding.

I’d love for you to tell me about your lessons. What have you found?

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Learn to Calm Your Anxiety

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Learn to Calm Your Anxiety

“’Ask me whether what I have done is my life.’ For some, those words will be nonsense, nothing more than a poet’s loose way with language and logic. Of course what I have done is my life! To what am I supposed to compare it? But for those, and I am one, the poet’s words will be precise, piercing, and disquieting. They remind me of moments when it is clear- if I have eyes to see- that the life I am living is not the same as the life that wants to live in me.”

-Parker J. Palmer, ‘Let Your Life Speak’ (pp. 1,2)

 

The author is referring to the poem ‘Ask Me’ by William Stafford, which describes the intangible of life, ebbs and flows in relationship, and sense of purpose. Both Stafford and Palmer warmly convey to the reader their solidarity. In a place where we try to manage the conflicts of uncertainty, their words are welcome impressions of unity.

Their offerings speak to a wish that many of us hold, the hope to feel a sense of ok-ness. We all want to be comforted from our pain and connected to our joy, this kind of “I’ll be ok once this happens,” thinking. Unfortunately, the more we engage in this kind of thinking, the outcome tends to be an experience of significant suffering.

There are all sorts of strategies that we employ when we are engaged in this thought. We read copious self-help books and exhaust many avenues of external guidance. We’re pretty sure that someone must have the key ingredient to end our suffering and reconnect us to our serenity- anyone outside of ourselves.

We’ve spent much of our lives creating our identities, who we are, what we do, our capabilities. We do this to give ourselves some sense of stability and grounding. Often, it’s keeping within the confines of this rigid thinking that prevents us from feeling grounded when we need it most. Kind of a catch 22, wouldn’t you say?

I encourage people to be curious about themselves, to listen to themselves. The more accessible we are to ourselves, the more accessible serenity is to us. Interestingly, a lot of people who come to see me have spent years avoiding themselves, not realizing that they have been running from the key to their very own peace. I’m not saying that it’s a mistake to ask others for help, to read self-help books, to explore your options, on the contrary. These tools can be incredibly useful. But tools don’t build the structure; you do.

To feel ok, we have to learn how to listen to ourselves.

So, how can you listen to yourself? First, quiet your mouth, your thoughts, and your body. Then, invite your innermost self to reveal itself to you. Essentially, you are allowing yourself to meet… yourself. Maybe it speaks first through a distracting body sensation, a racing thought, or an overwhelming feeling. It might be hard to make sense of it at first. You might experience fear or criticism of what you notice. Let it go. Keep going. Continue to make room for this voice. Giving yourself (and your self!) regular time, intention, and space will help you to understand what you need, how to soothe yourself, and to trust yourself. You will begin to “live the life that wants to live in you.”

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Learn to Manage Your Anger

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Learn to Manage Your Anger

I will be the first to say that plenty of things have irritated me, made me mad, frustrated me, or gotten under my skin. I will also be the first to say that I hated how I felt and wanted to be more easy-going about most of the things that bothered me. Some years back I decided that I should probably find out how I could manage my frustration if I wanted to feel more easy-going about things.

Eventually, I started reading, researching, and talking to people about anger. Where does it come from? What drives it? What are some effective ways of understanding and managing anger?

Before I started my quest, I felt the effects of anger on my brain, but I had a hard time seeing the fuller picture. I knew that it was hard to think clearly or make wise decisions the angrier I felt. As I explored the effects of anger, I learned the way the brain shuts down and impacts our behavior (and our relationships) as it succumbs to the anger. Simply, anger makes us stupid.

Sometimes it takes a lot to make us angry. Sometimes it just takes a certain look, a comment, or what would normally appear to be an insignificant action (but for various reasons sends you into full blown rage). It can start to feel like we’re at the mercy of our emotions. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like the idea of being controlled by my feelings. I feel more stable and resourced when I am managing my emotions.

So, I decided to take what I had learned and put it to good use. Over the years, it has helped me to be more curious about my experience. What is important about how I am feeling? Why?

A couple of years ago, I brought this way of thinking to my therapeutic work to help other people who wanted to learn better ways of managing their feelings. Now, I am bringing it to you. If you have any questions or would like clarification about anything, let me know!

Alright, think of a situation that makes you angry. Maybe you feel it when your partner makes a particular comment or when you’re engaged in various activities at work. Thinking about it right now, ask yourself, “What is important about how I am feeling? Why?”

At first, anger appeals to us because it can make us feel powerful. Situations in which we might otherwise feel vulnerable or powerless tend to leave us feeling ineffectual. These are times when we might reach for the closest coping mechanism, no matter how it impacts us later. Eventually, using anger doesn’t feel as good as it used to and we start to feel like our anger is controlling us. What is that anger doing for us? And what is hiding underneath it?

Take a look at this:

 

A n g e r

/               \

Hurt       Fear

 

Typically, when we react in anger to something or someone, we are hiding behind that feeling to avoid experiencing less savory feelings such as hurt and fear. Depending on the accessibility of our feelings, it might take any amount of exploration. Why does a specific comment get to you the way it does? If you are honest with yourself, you know that it doesn’t simply “piss you off” or feel disrespectful. Ask yourself some questions. What about it pisses you off or feels disrespectful? Why is that important? These are good starter questions if you have a hard time thinking of yourself being hurt or fearful.

For those of you who have more access to your fear and hurt, ask yourself, “What am I afraid of? And what part of me is hurt/wounded and seeking protection underneath this anger?”

You can use these questions to slow you down in the moment or after the fact to gain perspective (and strengthen yourself for the next time around). As you use this strategy, let me know how it’s going for you. I can’t wait to hear about it!

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

How to Compromise in Relationship

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How to Compromise in Relationship

Compromise: an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.

Think about the idea of compromise for a minute. What role does it play in your relationships? Do you compromise more than another? Does someone else? Is it pretty balanced? Or does it fluctuate?

Sometimes people dig their heels in until the other person, cries, blows up, or storms out of the room. There is a myriad of choices available to us when we think about ways to compromise… and ways to avoid compromise.

Someone can give in to another out of fear or exhaustion (or both). Someone can try to dominate or intimidate or manipulate. Usually, we feel better in our relationships when we find a middle ground.

However you decide to effect your compromise, it is most successful (and feels best) when it doesn’t include sulking, withdrawing, or harboring resentment against the other. If these things are happening, it probably means someone is not being completely honest with themselves about how they feel. When you compromise, it’s not so that either of you has something over the other; that’s not a genuine compromise.

The art of compromise takes willingness, openness, and trust. Making situational concessions within a relationship feels safer when these things have been built into your foundation. Interesting- when we compromise in a relationship with willingness, trust, and openness, we also solidify and strengthen these characteristics. And the more they solidify and strengthen, the less the act of compromise is perceived as a threat.

Here are some questions to think about:

 

1) *Mostly, we make decisions using arguments and yelling. (Yes/N0)

2) Often, I am/we are satisfied with how we resolve our differences. (Yes/No)

3) *I am/ my partner is incredibly stubborn. (Yes/No)

4) I believe/we believe that it is important to share power in a relationship. (Yes/No)

5) I am/they can relinquish partial control when I/they feel strongly about a particular issue. (Yes/No)

6) When we talk through the issue, we can usually find our middle ground. (Yes/No)

7) *One of us usually gives in to the other. We call that compromise. (Yes/No)

8) *If I give in, they do, too. (Yes/No)

9) *After compromising, one or both of us is left holding resentments. (Yes/No)

10) Each of us believes in meeting the other person where they are when we are working toward compromise. (Yes/No)

So, anything come up? If you answered “yes” to one or two of the questions with asterisks, you could probably use some other strategies when reaching a compromise. If you answered “yes” to three or more of the questions with asterisks, you could use some more strategies. If you answered “no” to any of the questions without asterisks, I would love to talk with you about ways that we can fortify your compromise skills.

Compromising isn’t easy, and there are times when we just don’t see any concessions we are willing to make. It doesn’t mean that you’re ill-matched or that you’re headed for divorce. It does say that you need to examine important characteristics, dynamics and wounds in (and sometimes outside of) the relationship. Let’s see what we can do.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

More Tips for Managing Conflict in Relationship

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More Tips for Managing Conflict in Relationship

Every so often, I find it useful to review a definition of terms with my clients. The clarification helps to illuminate more understanding (of the client’s self and their experience) and the most relevant strategies for moving forward. It’s a kind of connect-the-dots approach.

With that in mind, let’s review the difference between Compassion, Empathy, and Sympathy. Having Compassion for someone means that you have feelings of sensitivity toward them. It means that you appreciate the person’s experience without understanding and without attempting to understand what they are going through. Having Empathy for someone means that you not only have an appreciation for what someone might be experiencing but that you also understand and identify with what they are going through. If you have Sympathy for someone, it means that you pity or feel sorry them.

Most often, when we are talking about relationship dynamics (any relationship), we hear that Empathy is a rewarding way to interact. It’s pretty clear why so many of us recommend establishing Empathy in relationship. Mutual understanding fosters trust, appreciation, and connectedness between people.

When you approach people, relationships, and experiences with Empathy you create a space of safety and openness. When people experience you as safe and open, they feel more comfortable. They are less likely to feel and act defensively and much more likely to respond to you in a calm and positive way.  (Honestly, who doesn’t want to feel that their experience is appreciated and understood?)

Engaging Compassion is also positively impactful. While it’s not as powerful as Empathy (because it lacks a deeper understanding), it promotes a similar sense of safety within the relationship. I like to think of it as a useful starting point on the way to Empathy.

Sympathy is the least useful emotion since it involves no understanding, no attempt to understand, and no appreciation of an other’s experience. It connotes a kind of unilateral relationship between the sympathizer and the sympathizee. There is not much safety, openness, and connection where there is sympathy or pity. Often, Sympathy can create feelings of resentment in the sympathizee.

When you are feeling Empathic, you have less energy and room for irritability, indifference, and defensiveness. Difficult discussions are smoothed by this empathic, open, and safe space. Whether you are bringing a difficult topic to the discussion table or someone has approached you with something, the more empathy you employ, the more comfortable you will be as you work on the task.

At this point, I usually hear something like, “I need empathy, too. I don’t want to be the only one providing empathy here. What about them?!” And I get it. I don’t like my efforts of Empathy to go unmatched, either. They’re often not.Taking the initiative to create a safe place for connection is almost always reciprocated.

Some people might take a little longer than others to meet you with Empathy. Give it some time. On another hand, being the one to set the tone with Empathy also gives you the freedom and flexibility to try another approach as needed.

I’m curious to hear about how this works for you. Let me know so that we can talk about it!

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Get Along Better and Enjoy Your Relationship

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Get Along Better and Enjoy Your Relationship

What was the last vacation you took? When was it? For some of you, it’s probably been a while since your last chunk of time off.

When you’re on vacation with your significant other, what feels different between you two? Do you feel more connected? Does laughter seem to come more easily? Do you feel more playful?

Time away from your daily responsibilities can have that impact. You feel more refreshed, resourced, and balanced. Extended vacations, micro breaks, and anything in between is important for health and sustainability. Staggering down time in between work time is a significant part of optimal productivity.

Most of us have felt the surge of renewed strength and ideas after coming back from a much-needed break. Do you remember the way your body, mind, and spirit seemed to shift thrill-seeking on that outdoor adventure vacation, luxuriating in a tropical paradise, site-seeing through Bulgaria? Whatever your last vacation included, did it seem like food tasted better, steps felt lighter, and even the future seemed more hopeful? A change of scenery can help to change perspective significantly.

With this in mind, let’s talk about taking “vacations” in your relationship. I’m not talking about a hall pass. I’m referring to the incorporation of playfulness, new ideas, and a break from the routine in your relationship. The same idea behind giving yourself some time away from the daily grind can be applied to your relationship. Mix it up! Experience new ways of having fun and relaxing together. It’s great for connection.

To do this, you don’t have to have impressive financial resources. You don’t need many resources at all, for that matter, just some imagination and intentionality. Some couples like to plan weekly dates for one another, trading off weeks. Some like to orchestrate treasure hunts for one another. Maybe you want to bring a little something special to each day of the week. Monday is foot rub day. Tuesday is game night. You get the idea. The point is to integrate playfulness into your relationship to provide respite from the constant responsibility, to give your relationship a hearty belly laugh so that each of you can maintain a strong connection to one another through the ebbs and flows.

Providing fun for one another, a chance for laughter and levity can also help each of you to share new things with one another, to learn about the others’ different ways of being, different traits that you have not yet experienced. This keeps things exciting! Playfulness is an effective combatant against the tendency to fall into a rut, the predictable, the mundane.

So, shake things up! Go somewhere new. Talk about something new. Play a new game. Talk about or try something new sexually. Engage in some new experience with one another and see where it takes you! The element of surprise in these fresh encounters will feel like a cool sip of something delicious.

While we might not be in a position to take exciting luxury vacations as often as we’d like, we can bring a type of luxury and rejuvenation to our relationships. Let me know how you decide to incorporate playfulness and ingenuity into your relationship. I’m curious!

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Improve Your Active Listening and Communication Skills in Relationship

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Improve Your Active Listening and Communication Skills in Relationship

Have you ever been in conversation with someone and you get the feeling that, for some reason, you’re just not connecting with one another? One of you explains something to the other and frustration continues to build. What’s happening? Sometimes it can be difficult to pinpoint a discernable problem which can compound any frustration.

Sometimes it’s best to start with the basics to see if you can figure out what went wrong. A fundamental element of dialogue is listening. So many of our conversations start to head off the rails because we’re not listening to each other.

It’s easy to see how this happens. Sometimes we’re sharing things about ourselves that require us to take risks and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Anxiety and fear can accompany this sharing, and it can translate into impatience. We might run into some of our insecurities, which can cloud our interpretation of what someone is saying. Other times we aren’t able to completely regard what someone is communicating because we are thinking of what we’re going to say next. We’re not connecting as fully as we could be. We get into arguments, experience sadness, and feel frustration, all of which could have been prevented if we had listened to what was being said.

Most of us have experienced “the strategist.” Or some of us might be the strategist! I’m talking about the role some people play during a conversation in which they can hear some amount of distress and respond by attempting to fix the problem. What often happens is this; the strategist’s conversational counterpart describes a situation or an experience that has caused or is causing discomfort. Usually, in the spirit of support, the strategist starts to troubleshoot the problem (“Have you tried this? What about that? You know, you should…”). They’re not present with the other person. They’re not listening as much as they are reacting.

We experience the most support and connection when someone empathically listens to us, someone who wants to know about our whole experience (thoughts, feelings, behaviors), someone who wants to understand how we are impacted. Sometimes it feels like a challenge. For instance, when we are in conflict with someone, we might feel a little bit tempted to defend ourselves, place blame, or think of our next response while they’re speaking. I understand the pull here, and it’s not worth it. It often leaves us feeling worse.

Try this. Next time you’re in a conversation, set aside any distractions (including any distracting thoughts) and listen to what the other person is saying about their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Resist trying to fix, defend, or explain anything. Allow the other person to communicate their experience and allow yourself to lend a robust ear. If you hear that frustration is a part of their experience, speak to it. If they sound overwhelmed, scared or confused, let them know you see this. If their feelings are a direct result of something you have done/not done or said, it’s ok. Do it anyway; all the better that you do. You don’t have to defend yourself or explain anything right now. Just listen and let them know that you are witnessing their experience.

See where this experiment takes you. See how you feel, how the other person responds to you. The benefits are undeniable. The more you do it, the more it works. Let me know how it goes!

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie