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“Help- my partner is depressed.”

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“Help- my partner is depressed.”

Having depression is painful, really, really painful. It’s a draining and dreadful experience. It zaps its target of joy. Doing even the simplest task becomes a burden. Frankly, everything becomes a burden. It’s almost impossible not to feel sensitive and irritable. Depression causes people to feel tired, unmotivated, and insecure. It’s incredibly isolating.

But people with depression aren’t the only ones suffering. Their loved ones are also impacted by these symptoms. This is especially pronounced if the person suffering from depression is your partner.

Of course, it’s essential to be compassionate and empathic toward your partner. Offering love and support is valuable. And of equal importance is your own self-care. It’s ok for you to have needs and desires. It’s ok for you to want those needs and desires to be met. I’m sure there are plenty of you who can attest to the challenge of navigating this particular conflict in your relationship.

The most common complaints of people whose partners suffer from depression are things like, “S/he doesn’t want to have sex anymore”, “S/he never wants to do anything”, “I can’t depend on him/her to fulfill household responsibilities”, and “I can’t seem to feel as connected to him/her as I used to”.

Depression slows everything down, way down- libido, thought processing speed, motivation, and in some cases, even movements and speech. Your partner isn’t trying to make things difficult; they are exhibiting normal symptoms of depression. Having this knowledge doesn’t make it better, but it’s important to differentiate between your partner and your partner’s symptoms. Your partner is still in there.

While you can’t force your partner to do anything, you can encourage them to get help for the depression, seek therapy, etc. You can also get assistance for yourself. Therapy can help you get the clarity and support you need to navigate this difficult part of the relational road. Both individual and couples’ therapy can fill this need.

In addition to trying therapy, my advice is to continue to do the things that you enjoy. Don’t stop living your life. While you might feel guilty about enjoying yourself while the one you love is suffering, your guilt won’t make them feel better. It won’t be the demonstration of solidarity or love you hoped it would be. This is where resentment can trickle in.

Most relationships work because of shared interests, intimacy, reciprocity, and mutual respect. When depression is present, interest, ability to share intimacy (both sexual and emotional) and reciprocity can take a pretty big hit.

Your needs don’t evaporate or necessarily change because your spouse is struggling. And sometimes this can be the beginning of a lot of resentment- on both ends. You resent your partner for their inability to meet your needs, and they resent you for having needs that they can’t meet right now. It can be helpful for you to address this with them in a gentle and assertive way. Sometimes just speaking to the presence of this shift in the relationship is enough. It isn’t always enough, but it’s an important start. It’s important for you to feel like you have a voice; don’t force yourself to suffer in silence because you afraid of burdening your partner. You have the right to say, “I know you’re depressed and haven’t felt like doing much. This is hard for me, too. I still need help running the household, and I miss feeling close to you.” There’s room enough for everyone’s feelings.

It’s important for you to know that you didn’t cause your partner’s depression. That’s not how this works. Depression is a response to chemical fluctuations and or situational changes in a person’s life. Their recovery is not your responsibility. You can offer support and empathy, but you can’t make them better. You can get help for yourself. You can continue to live your life and find joy.

For more information about depression, symptoms of depression, and your role in the life of a loved one who is experiencing depression, please contact me via email or phone. You can find this information in the “Contact Me” section of my website.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

What to Expect from Therapy

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What to Expect from Therapy

In the technology age, there is a lot of information at our fingertips. When looking for a therapist people can experience this as both helpful and a bit overwhelming. First of all, there are so many of us! Depending on your location, there might be at least 30 of us within a one-mile radius. Then there are pictures, videos, mission statements, specialties, and work history to consider. By the time you have narrowed it down to a few providers you are going to call, you might have a better grasp on the questions you want to ask us, but not necessarily any idea of what your therapeutic experience will be.

The idea of sites like Psychology Today, Good Therapy, and Theravive is to supply you with information so that you will feel more comfortable making your decision. I would like to add to this by letting you know what you might experience during your time in therapy. Keep in mind that this is, by no means, exhaustive.

In the beginning (first few sessions) your therapist will usually gather a family history. This is a brief overview of relationships, experiences, and circumstances in your family. In some cases, it’s better for the therapist and client to first establish rapport before going into a family history. This approach is taken when it might be too traumatizing to discuss your past. When this happens, your therapist will strategize with you and provide coping skills to help resource you.

Next, there is the rapport-building phase. This is pretty continuous; it starts the first time you interact with your therapist whether this is over the phone, over email, or in person. The therapeutic relationship is constantly growing and changing, but rapport building is most important in the beginning. Positive rapport is our bedrock. This is when the two of you are getting to know one another and reaching a comfort level. Here, establishing trust is the main goal. This may take any length of time, but often there is a felt sense of trust and safety around the two-month mark. Safety and trust are imperative to the therapeutic process. If you can’t trust your therapist, it’s going to be difficult to explore the things with which you want help. (It won’t be impossible, just more challenging. If you are experiencing difficulty trusting your therapist, I encourage you to tell them. Some people come to therapy with difficulty trusting others in general; this is totally workable, and we see this all the time! It won’t scare us off or deter us from working with you.)

After a family history and rapport building comes the strategizing phase. During the strategizing phase, you and your therapist take an inventory of what brought you into therapy, troubleshooting the whys and hows of what has and hasn’t worked in the past. Here, you solidify your goals and come up with a plan that will help you reach them and measure your progress.

Once you and your therapist have come up with goals and a plan, you will begin the action phase. This is when you dive into what brought you to therapy. The action phase usually involves exploring your thoughts, feelings, and behavioral responses to certain stimuli. Your therapist asks questions about your experiences and makes suggestions. Many of us assign weekly homework to deepen insight and progress.

Next, is the refinement phase. During this part of therapy, you and your therapist measure your progress again and identify the areas for growth, fine-tune the strategies and skills you have learned, and begin to look at closure.

In the closure phase, you will usually find that you decrease your sessions, usually from once a week to every other week. Some people start this titration during the refinement phase. It depends on what the therapist and client decide is right for the client. Sometimes it’s at this point that the client, the therapist, or both realize that closure has been reached prematurely. If this is the case, then the number of sessions is increased. Otherwise, closure continues until the meetings have intentionally and planfully been stopped. Often the therapist periodically checks in with the client via email or phone to monitor progress, provide a bit of support, and assure the client that the therapist is still here to support the client.

It’s important to mention that these phases are fluid and quite seamlessly flow into one another. This might make the beginning and end of each phase less discernable. This means that you will most likely start the strategizing phase while you are still in the rapport-building phase, that you will begin the action phase when you are still in the strategizing phase, and so on. This is natural since these phases are interdependent on one another.

Each therapist might view or approach the phases a bit differently, but they are acknowledged as stated above. Therapeutic style, however, varies from provider to provider.

Some of us use varying degrees of self-disclosure as a tool, and some of us would never share even a shred of personal information. Some of us give advice when indicated and others will rely just on questions and interpretations to lead the client. There is no right or wrong; it depends on what you feel is right for you. I am not the best fit for each and every person seeking therapy. My client and I have to find out if it’s a good fit during our initial phone consult and our first few meetings.

If you have any other questions about what to expect in therapy, please call or email me! I would love to provide some insight as you begin your therapeutic experience.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Break Free From Self-Doubt

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Break Free From Self-Doubt

At some point, all of us doubt ourselves. We doubt that we are going in the right direction. We doubt that we are acceptable just as we are. We doubt that people will still love us if they saw certain aspects of us, found out about our past, knew what we were thinking, or learned about things we’ve done. We doubt that we are smart enough, or good enough. We doubt that our bodies, minds, and souls are enough. We doubt that we have enough, do enough, and are enough.

Self-doubt can be crippling. It keeps us stuck. We are too afraid to make a choice, to make a move. We stay at the same job, in the same relationship, in the same pattern that has caused us pain for years. Our comfort zone has now, somehow, become out uncomfortable zone, but to step even one foot outside the line feels too threatening, too overwhelming.

We start to believe that happiness is for other people, not us. Years go by, and we feel that, because we have been struggling with it, this should be as good as working on it. We grow increasingly resentful of the people around us who seem to get what they want without all the suffering we seem to experience. We are embittered, jaded, cynical, and now feel even further from our goals.

Then something happens. It looks different for everyone. But something happens. For some of us, it is a shift in our thinking. For others, it’s a slight change in our usual behavior. Either after years of striving or one day, accidentally, we allow a shred of hope to penetrate our despair. We’re still terrified, but not terrified into paralysis (or as much paralysis as before). We can still hear that voice telling us to turn back, that we’re going to be slaughtered, but we don’t follow its instruction. (This could be because we are learning that it’s just our scared little lizard brain trying to protect us from a threat that doesn’t exist.)

We start to realize that, while there will be many slips and falls along the way, we can’t be broken. We realize that the prison of self-doubt is so much worse than any slip or fall we could ever encounter. We don’t mind the trip-ups as much because we finally feel a sense of freedom, a sense of happiness that we didn’t think we would ever know

I want to walk with you on this journey. I want to talk with you about what keeps you locked in that tiny room of self-doubt and fear and anxiety and hardship. I want us both to find out what has kept you imprisoned for so long and what you need to connect to your courage so that you can emerge.

What will it look like when you stop living in doubt? Will you make any major shifts in your life? Will they be external or internal? Or both? What will you have in your life that doesn’t feel possible now?

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

What You Need to Know About Happiness

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What You Need to Know About Happiness

It’s nothing new that there are a many goods and services that communicate how flawed we are, how we are not ok as we are. It’s part of what drives the market. Seriously, there is so much of this stuff available to us that there is no way I could make an exhaustive list here. We hear and see it so much that we start to believe and feel it. “I’m not as good of a parent because my kid doesn’t have four different kinds of carriers (at minimum) and the newest multicolored toys which promote brain development.” “I don’t have a good body because I don’t have a thigh gap or a shelf-butt.” The examples of this are pretty limitless. We have creams, clothes, pills, places to live, jobs, vacation destinations, ways to look, ways to feel, technologic devices, cars, food… an innumerable amount of things that are thrown at us to let us know that we are not complete until we have them in our possession. Heck, not only are we incomplete (and missing out), we aren’t as good as the other humans who are already using these products.

What a trap. We are not ok, not enough until we are surrounded by all of these things… but by the time we start to feel like we’re gaining some ground, more products have come out or have been improved, and we’re right back where we started. And maybe we’re even worse off. Maybe now that we have all of these dependencies on our things, we’ve taken a few steps back. Dismal.

I am not imploring you to give up everything but the clothes on your back and live an utterly minimalist lifestyle. I like creature comforts, too. I have favorite clothes and favorite coffee and favorite devices and favorite places, too. I am not asking you to give any of this up. I am advocating that you change your thinking about what these things mean about you and your life. Change the meaning you’ve made of them. Make some space for you to be ok as you are.

What does this look like? It starts with changing your thinking. Sometimes this feels especially challenging the more dependent you have become on these goods and services. When you employ the various products packaged as happiness in a cup, it’s harder to respect your thoughts, your innate ability to create your happiness. It’s not just you. It happens to most of us at some point. “Obviously, it’s true that this product will make me a better, happier person. How dumb would I be to think that I could be just as happy (or happier) without it?” Don’t worry too much about it; you just think what you’ve been trained to think. Being consistent about changing your thinking is exactly what will help you readjust this part of the thought pattern.

A pretty critical part of the problem is that we want an easy solution to happiness. It’s two-fold. We think we need these products to make us better… and, once we get said product, we just wait for the transition to happen! Acquire this thing and all of your dreams will come true. Just being around it will make you better, happier. Honestly, that would be awesome. But here it comes…

We have work for it. We have to take an active role in our happiness because feelings and perceptions of experiences are produced inside of us. The good news? If the solution is inside of us, no one can break it or steal it or create a new and improved version. So, sure, it takes some work, but it’s worth it. (Also, it’s super light and travels well.)

So, start taking those baby steps toward changing your thinking. Ask yourself what you’re seeking. Is it confidence? A sense of belonging? A sense of purpose? Increased self-worth? What thoughts get in your way to connecting with it? When do you notice these thoughts? Making these connections harnesses your awareness. When you’re more aware of your process, it’s less overwhelming and more in your control. When it’s more in your control, you feel more confident about your ability to meet your needs.

So, the next time someone doesn’t text you back right away, and you start to freak out and freaking out makes you want to reach for something, stop. Ask yourself these questions. And it’s ok if you still end up reaching for that product. Just this step is a step in the direction you’ve been trying to go.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Should You Medicate Your Symptoms?

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Should You Medicate Your Symptoms?

Let’s talk about another controversial issue- psychotropic medication. There’s a place for psychotropic medication (SSRIs, MAOIs, etc.). I just don’t think that place is with every single person who reports experiencing symptoms of depression and anxiety. Sometimes, a psychoactive medication can indeed be helpful for someone who exhibits symptoms of anxiety and depression. It can help to give the person a little bit of “space” from the severity of their symptoms and help them to access psychotherapy (and other therapeutic modalities). In this case, the medication is often used short term.

While it’s great to keep in mind the helpful nature of psychoactive drugs, medication is not always useful or even indicated for all types of symptoms. I recommend seeing a specialist, especially when it comes to your health. This means, if you are interested in or curious about medication, consider seeking treatment from a psychiatrist instead of your general health practitioner. To figure out the best course of action for your treatment, you can interview psychiatrists to find out who might be the best fit for you.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, our responsive feelings, thoughts, and behaviors are the result of our neural pathways. From circumstance and experience, the human brain learns which neural pathways to reinforce. You’ve probably heard that a group of people can have the same circumstance applied to their lives and experience it differently. This is thanks to our neural pathways!

We reinforce particular neural pathways every day. Sometimes this process is more reflexive than others. We are reinforcing certain neural pathways when we say to ourselves, “Ugh, I reeeaaaally don’t want to go to work today,” and when we head to the fridge after a stressful day, regardless of our level of hunger and when we say, “I can’t go out dancing unless I get really drunk! I’m so awkward,” and when we yell at the person who cut us off as we approach the on-ramp.

This both reflects and impacts our self-confidence, our self-acceptance, our happiness, and our quality of life. It is the running story we tell about our relationships, feelings, jobs, capabilities, our lives, and ourselves. It is the living story that we perpetuate. We can choose a different way of thinking, a different response to our thoughts and feelings. It takes commitment, consistency, and motivation, but… what is more motivational than the knowledge that you can improve your happiness by managing your uncomfortable symptoms with your brain?!

You can start with slow progress, using the one out of one hundred rule (when you successfully manage your symptoms one out of every one hundred possible chances). This will be the start of shifting your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors! It will be the start of welcome relief from your symptoms and the start of your freedom. (And the more consistent you are, the better you will feel!)

To find out more about the treatment of anxiety and depression without medication, please contact me. I would love to shed some more light on this for you.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Regretting Parenthood- It’s OK

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Regretting Parenthood- It’s OK

Time out. I want to take this time to address something that seems to be kept under fairly tight wraps:

For those of you who find yourselves in this taboo circumstance and in case you aren’t met with enough reassurance about it, I want you to know that it’s ok to regret parenthood. It’s ok, and it’s more common than you might think. You can even feel overwhelming love for your children and still regret having them. It’s ok if it feels like this is something more than the typical “Sure, I miss some things about my childfree days, but if I had it to do over again, I’d choose parenthood every time.”

It’s ok to regret parenthood even if you wanted children more than anything in life. It’s ok if you weren’t sure about or were staunch against ever having children, had them, and now regret having them. It’s ok if you vacillate between enjoying parenthood and regretting it. It’s ok. You’re not a bad person. And you’re not a bad parent.

For years, I’ve witnessed the oppressive guilt and shame that accompanies some of those who come in for support, for a safe place to reveal their regret for becoming parents… and it is one of the most courageous things I have ever seen, people who are honest about something that much of society says they should experience as the pinnacle of humanity. We need to make space and give support to this honesty.

The problem is not how you feel or that this is your experience. The problem is with the lack of support. If your feelings are not welcome, where are can you take them? Is it a sustainable solution to deny them or stuff them or disown them or…?

Over the years I’ve heard people in various stages of parenthood describe both their regret and their guilt and shame about their regret, people who have young children, adult children who have gone on to have their own children, and every stage in between. Parents who are close with their adult children, who love their children (and grandchildren) very much, share their regret about becoming a parent. One doesn’t negate the other; you can enjoy your children, love them, share a tight bond, and still feel that parenthood isn’t for you.

It’s ok that it’s not what you expected, and you wish that you had made a different choice. Again, your feelings about this don’t make you a bad person or a bad parent. They are not a reflection of your strength of character. It’s ok that you have feelings of resentment about the change or loss of your identity. You are not alone, and you are not wrong for feeling this way.

I think this next part is pretty obvious, but just in case it’s not, I am not advocating that a regretful parent tells their children that they made a mistake having them or that they clearly demonstrate these feelings through their behavior. That will add to the regret.

I’m saying that it’s ok to have your feelings and that you have a right to express them to trustworthy friends and family. You have the right to receive support and love from your circle. These are crucial aspects of feeling as good as possible about your parenting job.

There are plenty of people who feel that becoming a parent is the apex of their lives, and this is so, so beautiful. But there is no less beauty in someone who, for varying reasons, finds themselves in a parental role, feels that this was a huge mistake, and has the courage to speak up, get support, and do the best they can. It’s ok. You’re not wrong. You’re still a good person. There are plenty of reasons to explain why you might be experiencing this and not one of them has anything to do with being defective or “bad.” Let’s figure out what this feeling is all about.

If you would like to talk more about this, please contact me. I would love to connect with you.

You can call me at (415) 794-5243 or email at natalie@nataliemillsmft.com.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Problem Solving in Relationship

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Problem Solving in Relationship

There are two types of problems in relationship, the solvable problems, and the logjam problems. Today, I’m going to talk about managing solvable problems. Solvable problems are usually every day disagreements or problems for which there are an ongoing discussion and strategy. This includes things like chores, communication issues, and other responsibilities.

A great start to problem-solving in relationship is mutual respect. When two people respect one another they want to know what they can do to be supportive. They’re curious about their loved one’s experience and how they are being perceived.

Keeping in mind mutual respect, let’s look at the first step to problem solving: a gentle approach to the discussion. Even if you’ve discussed a problem a hundred times, begin with softness in your words and your voice. When you speak harshly, contemptuously, with criticism, using blame, or defensively the other person almost immediately feels defensive and cannot hear your intended message. Instead, they hear something like, “you’re not good enough.” It’s crucial to begin discussions on a calm and respectful note because it’s much easier to maintain stability throughout the conversation. It’s possible to backtrack and try to smooth out a choppy beginning, but this is invariably more difficult. Setting a gentle tone promotes safety and stability. Now, some of you are thinking, “I do approach gently. Or at least I’ve tried it. My partner gets defensive no matter what.” Stay tuned for information about how to address this in a later post.

Next, practice extended and accepting relationship repairs. A repair is when either of you makes an attempt to de-escalate an intense (or intensifying) situation. This can come in the form of humor, soothing the other, taking a break to regroup, apologizing for any hurt/taking responsibility, showing appreciation, taking a step back to look at what’s happening, and being affectionate through disagreements. It’s just as important to accept these repair attempts from your partner as it is to initiate them. This keeps you from getting dragged down by the negativity and keeping the message afloat. You can try saying things like, “I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we take a break?” or “I feel blamed. Is there a way you can rephrase that?” or “Something I admire about you is ______________. It makes me feel __________.” Let your partner know how you’re feeling and what you need in a clear and respectful way.

The third step is comforting yourself and your loved one. Taking care of yourself and managing your emotions is important when problem-solving because it keeps you in your rational mind (prefrontal cortex) and out of your emotion mind (limbic system). This helps you to keep the conversation productive instead of out of spinning out of control and being hurtful. Self-soothing can be anything from a deep breathe to taking a break and switching gears to something relaxing. Soothing your partner can be demonstrated by softening your tone, showing affection and or appreciation. You can also ask your partner what you can do to soothe them (both in the moment and during a less intense time). This is an incredibly loving act that carries a lot of weight with most people.

The fourth step is compromise. Keeping in mind the respect you have for one another (and messages in an older post about being open to influence from your partner), compromise is another critical ingredient for successful problem solving. Talk to one another. Find out what you have in common with one another, shared beliefs and goals. This common ground will make it easier to effect a compromise. Finally, practice being tolerant of each other’s faults. We all have them. You can’t change this. This acceptance is an ongoing practice.

Keep in mind that this is a condensed description! Please contact me if you have any questions or want more information about problem-solving in relationship.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie        

Having Thick Skin: It’s Not What You Think

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Having Thick Skin: It’s Not What You Think

Has anyone ever given you the (often unsolicited) advice, “You need to learn to be thicker skinned”? Yep. A lot of us have been given that tip. It’s not necessarily a “bad” recommendation. I’m just not sure it’s always a helpful encouragement for a lot of the situations in which it’s been given. I usually hear that phrase being communicated to people who are sad or mad. And it sends the wrong message.

Being thick-skinned means being resilient. For example, say someone applies for a job, interviews, and doesn’t get the job. If they are thin-skinned, they will take it personally and assume it’s a direct statement about their worth as a person. Maybe it will even affect the effort they put into looking for other jobs or the confidence they exude during future interviews. If the person is thick-skinned, they will feel disappointed, and maybe a slight sting, but know that there are various reasons that explain why they must not have been the best fit for the job. Because they have resilience, they will try again with hope intact.

There are many reasons for a person to exhibit qualities of having thin skin. Different types of trauma can have an impact on someone’s ability to tap into the power of their resilience, (but this is an entirely different article). Those who can access their resilience, those who seem to have thicker skin know that, though it might add to their grit factor, adversity doesn’t define them.

So, what are a few signs that you’re accessing your own thick skin (resilience)?

You know and respect your boundaries. People who have thicker skin can hold and maintain a boundary with others. They can identify when, for whatever reason, something does not feel right for them. They know that they have a right to protect their time, their energy, their needs, and they know they have a right to do so. They don’t feel that they have to say yes to everyone for everything all the time to feel worthy.

You take responsibility for yourself. This requires a certain level of self-awareness. Those who have thick skin can assess when it’s time for them to call in the reinforcements (ask for help, take a break, delegate, etc.) without feeling like it’s a huge blow to their egos. They can see how they impact people and make adjustments when necessary.

You can say the words, “I don’t know.” When someone is aligned with their thick skin, they don’t have to have all the answers to know that they’re worthy. They can sit in the unknown without watching their confidence and self-trust diminish.

You employ acceptance. This is what helps you respect your boundaries. You have flexibility. You accept when you need help, when you need a break, and when you need a change. You don’t fight with your pain or hardship. You understand that it will pass and give way to new emotion, new circumstance. You know that your present state does not define you.

You show up for yourself. This means you take care of your mind, body, and soul. You know what you need to do to care for yourself, and you do it. When you need alone time, you take it. When you need to spend time with loved ones, you reach out. When you need to go to bed, but you’d rather watch another episode of “The Office” you go to bed. When you need to take a sick day, you take it.

 

You might notice that, in no way, have I said, “to be thick-skinned, you must not be in touch with your feelings,” or “You don’t cry or get upset.” Right, because having thick skin is not about cutting yourself off from your feelings; it’s about being in touch with those precious feelings and being honest about them, respecting them, managing them, and using those feelings as part of your guide.

We all have these qualities already inside us. Sometimes, it’s hard to feel them. The more we work at practicing these things, the more resilient we will be.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie          

Do You Want to Increase Trust in Your Relationship?

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Do You Want to Increase Trust in Your Relationship?

Not all couples are meant to stay together forever. Some couples are put back on the right track after they take a break from the relationship. Other couples regain stability after seeking professional help from a qualified counselor or therapist. And many couples need a few different strategies to get what they need from the relationship.

This week, let’s look at trust in relationship. What exactly is trust? What does trust look like in relationship? How can you improve the level of trust in your relationship? (And how do you know if your partner is worthy of your trust?)

Merriam-Webster defines trust as the “belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective,” an “assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something”. In relationship, some basic principles of trust look like this:

-Both partners attempt to make one another feel emotionally secure

-Neither partner humiliates nor disparages the other

-Both partners uphold their responsibilities

-Both partners have power and influence in the relationship

-Both partners express a desire to listen to the other, even in an argument

-Both partners demonstrate respect toward one another

Some relationships start out with a substantial lack in even the most basic aspects of trust. It’s not necessarily an indication of a doomed relationship; there are plenty of ways to increase trust in a relationship if the motivation is there. (Finding out if the motivation is there is related, but in the interest of a streamlined discussion about trust, I’ll keep it separate for now.) Considering the examples of basic trust above, let’s say that one or even all of these aspects of trust have recently been breached. Does it mean your relationship is unsalvageable? Maybe, maybe not. Let’s take a look at what is communicated depending on how a breach is handled.

Apologizing and Trust:

Can you trust your partner to apologize for mistakes? Apologizing is an excellent way to measure trust. In conflict, it’s important to be accountable to your partner, to show remorse when a wound has been inflicted. Even if one partner has to get through some skepticism, to communicate genuine atonement, the other partner must remain nondefensive and patient. Alternately, if one partner is making a concerted effort to take responsibility for any wounding, the other must also make an effort to work on forgiveness. (If there is an apology, but no forgiveness or no apology, but forgiveness it paves the way for diminishing trust and more hurt.) How do apologies work in your relationship?

Reconnecting and Trust:

To healthfully and sustainably move forward from a breach of trust, both partners must dedicate themselves to taking the relationship to a sturdier (and more satisfying) plane. This means each partner is clearly communicating their feelings as they arise. Couples are in for less welcome returns if one partner expects the other to be a mind reader. They must allow themselves to be curious about their partner’s experience and ask questions. (Remember empathic curiosity?) They must communicate to one another the compassion and empathy they feel. This will help each partner to feel more connected to the other, safer, and more trusting. Are these qualities present in your current relationship?

Everyone makes mistakes. And it can be pretty scary to trust someone when you feel wounded by a current or past relationship. A breach of trust doesn’t have to mean that your relationship is on the verge of collapse. (And there are useful tools used to look at your relationship patterns to see if it is unsustainable.) I’d love to talk more about it with you.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Relationships: Cure vs. Comfort

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Relationships: Cure vs. Comfort

The revolutionary physician, Hippocrates, encouraged us to “cure sometimes, treat often, comfort always”.

This is relevant not only for health practitioners but humanity at large. Sometimes we can cure pain; we can often alleviate some of its negative impacts, and we can always comfort one another in its midst.

About ten years ago, I was talking with a close friend about the various difficulties we have encountered in relationships. She mentioned feeling a lot of fear about her current relationship. As she talked, I tried to find some strategies for her to try. I wanted her to feel better. She kept telling me how scared she felt, and I kept throwing what seemed like helpful approaches at her feelings. Eventually, my brave friend trusted me enough to speak up for herself. She said something like, “That’s not helping! I don’t need you to try to make it better or tell me all the things I can or should do. I need you to let me know I’m not alone. Just be with me in it.”

The lesson my friend reinforced for me is incomparable. Although my impulse was to take away her pain or change it somehow, I realized that this impulse was for me, not her. I felt helpless, so it didn’t feel like enough to empathically be with her in her pain; I wanted to fix it. I’m grateful to my friend for her courage, for knowing what she needed and telling me.

I see this a lot in relationships. One person has a problem, and the other person wants to fix it, to cure it. Sometimes this is a realistic option. Sometimes there are things one member of a relationship can do to alleviate the suffering of their loved one. If it’s a relatively simple solution like being more attentive to their responsibilities or being more sensible with shared finances, it’s easier to identify a clear cure.

Other times, there are manageable ways of sharing the burden, ways of treating a loved one’s suffering. This can look a lot of different ways depending on what the problem is. For some people, a slight change in communication can help them to feel better. For others, treatment of the problem might be a little more amorphous.

Ultimately, what doesn’t fail, the thing everyone wants regardless of what’s hurting, is comfort. We want to feel like we’re not alone in our hardships, that we have love and support and a sense of safety in the uncertainty.

I’ve found a useful (and simple) way to offer comfort to a loved one is to ask, “What can I do to help you?” Sometimes they know exactly what I can do, and sometimes they don’t. When they don’t know, I tend to stay away from suggesting a swarm of options. Unless there is an obvious suggestion, a barrage of propositions can feel overwhelming for the other person, almost like an entirely new dilemma.

It’s ok not to know what to do. It’s enough for you to wrap the ones you love in your comfort.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie