Showing all posts tagged anxiety

Managing Emotions Through Mindfulness

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Managing Emotions Through Mindfulness

You’ve probably heard passing comments on the topic of mindfulness, but… what exactly is it? And what isn’t it? Author and teacher of the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program, Jon Kabat-Zinn, describes mindfulness as, “paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and
nonjudgmentally.” It’s a special, intentional, and heightened awareness. You can have an intellectual awareness that you are feeling anxious, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you are mindfully experiencing what it’s like to feel anxious. Awareness and mindfulness are not synonymous.

If you are mindfully aware that you are feeling anxious, you are tuning into your body, noticing how and where you can feel it. You are noticing your thoughts, your behaviors, and possible triggers of this current experience without judging yourself or the experience. With mindfulness, there is no “good” or “bad” evaluation of an experience. It simply is.

The act of intentionally acknowledging your experience, whatever it is, is intensely powerful. Instead of feeling controlled by a circumstance or feeling so overwhelmed by it that you distract yourself, mindfulness can teach you to move through it with trust and confidence. You are gaining insight into yourself and how you move through the world as you notice the narrative you have created about why things are the way they are. You get to decide what works for you and what doesn’t.

Sometimes, people confuse the idea of being mindfully aware and accepting a current moment with resignation. “So, if I am ‘being mindful’ as I listen to the news, I should just ‘accept’ that this is how things are, sit back, and let it happen?” Nope. Mindfulness and inaction aren’t synonymous either. In fact, being mindful of your experience and moving toward acceptance can help you to reach more grounded decisions and take calmer, more effective necessary action. It can give you the space to respond in a less reactive, more thoughtful way. You’re neither impulsive nor frozen; you are responsive.

A good start to enhancing your mindfulness is to try it when you are eating. Set aside a reasonable time for you to try this during a snack or mealtime. Notice how you feel as you prepare to eat. What do you notice about the way your body feels? What do you notice about your thoughts? Senses? Notice how you take the initial bite. Is it fast and deliberate? Slow and deliberate? What do you notice about the taste and texture? And do you go in for another bite before you’ve finished the first? Notice all of these things without judging. Continue bite for bite until you have finished. What was this experience like?

One of the great things about mindfulness is how accessible it is. You need not be a member of any particular religion. You need no guru or leader (although guided mediation is available for those who want it). It is simply you, your experience, and some intentional, nonjudgmental noticing. Anyone can do it- young, old, Christian, Buddhist, Atheist, on your own, with a guide, any time of day, for however long, any number of times per day. It is limitless.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Live Deliberately While Managing Anxiety

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Live Deliberately While Managing Anxiety

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life; living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion.”

Henry David Thoreau (Walden; or, Life in the Woods)

 

I’ve always found this quote generative. It offers comfort and courage in difficult phases of life, excitement and wonder in the less complicated phases. There is a sense of permission granted, permission to make your choices, to embody fearlessness, and to share your lessons. There is perceptible encouragement to discover truth and authenticity in life, your own and the world around you.

It’s easy to get caught up in your feelings and understanding of what is happening around you. It starts to feel like those things are absolute. Everyone falls into this. Suddenly, you’re pretty sure that your relationship is going to end or that you’re going to be fired or that you’re not lovable or that whatever has just happened is the worst possible outcome ever.

You feel contracted and paralyzed. You might stop seeing your choices altogether and feel that fear and dread have taken over your life. This starts to seem like your truth.

But it’s an illusion. Fear and dread are lying to you. You can live as deliberately and passionately and audaciously as you want to live.

About nine posts back in my article titled “What You Need to Know Before You Break Up, Divorce, or Separate”, I talk about the emotion center of the brain (limbic system or “lizard brain”) and the role it plays in shutting down the executive center (prefrontal cortex). The limbic system tells you that a trigger is threatening and scary. The logic center doesn’t disagree because it’s shut down to give way to the fight-or-flight ability, which is governed by the limbic system. Anything can be a trigger so, anything can feel threatening. It might feel that way, but sometimes it’s a lie (actually, plenty of times).

The limbic system lives for comfort, but you don’t have to. So, gently take it by its jumpy little reptilian claw and show yourself that you can live in your awareness and intention and choice. For tips and strategies on how do to this, take a look at past articles titled “Learn to Calm Your Anxiety” and “Exploring Insecurity.” You can also contact me by calling (415) 794-5243 or emailing me at natalie@nataliemillsmft.com.

What do you live for? What do you want to live for?

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

When You Want to Face Your Fear

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When You Want to Face Your Fear

What are you afraid of? What fears and feelings of dread do you try to put out of your mind for as long as you can (the same ones that always seem to creep back in)?

When we look at our fears, we look at what makes us uncomfortable. We are afraid of discomfort.

The fear of being uncomfortable is what keeps us at the same job we hate, in the same relationships that we know is wrong for us. It’s what keeps us from training for a marathon, having that difficult conversation, and going on a road trip alone. It’s what keeps us from being the most us we can be. “Sure,” we tell ourselves, “I’m unhappy at my job, but to do what I really want would mean going back to school and I just…” We tell ourselves that it’s easier, better to stay in the relationship, train for the marathon later (never), and not have the difficult conversation.

We’re wrong. How is it easier to go without needs met, feel dissatisfied, and stay boxed in? How is it easier to be unhappy? It’s kind of funny how we won’t push ourselves out of an uncomfortable spot because we’re afraid that we will feel… uncomfortable.

I’m no different. I’ve not tried things I’ve wanted to try, stayed when I knew I should go, and not had the difficult conversations because it seemed easier, better not to. I was scared of being more uncomfortable or uncomfortable in a new way.

What makes me laugh a little is this: the more we tell ourselves that it’s too scary, too much trouble, too uncomfortable, the more we are training our brains to believe it, to dread it, to experience an increase in anxiety when we think about making a change. We work together in concert with our brains to stay uncomfortable.

“Awesome,” you say. “I’m unhappy, and you’re telling me I’m going to stay unhappy, and it’s my fault.” Yes and no. You don’t have to stay unhappy, and you do have a choice about which way to go.

Remember Newton’s first law of motion? “Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it.” If you’re moving, you tend to keep moving, and if you’re at rest, you tend to stay at rest unless something else is introduced. We notice this when we hit our stride during physical activity or when we stop what we are doing and find it a bit harder to start again.

The first thing we can do, before we do anything else, is to acknowledge that the change might feel uncomfortable and that we might want to turn around and go back. (As humans we like it when our feelings are addressed and validated.) Then we can tell ourselves that, when we get to the place where we want to stop and retreat, we will keep going. We will calm our fears by reminding ourselves that we can maintain our stride in this change by keeping pace. We’ll just keep whatever pace with which we started. As we get used to our own pace, we can pick it up a little bit, then a little bit more.

We can ask ourselves, “What’s happening right now?” Instead of thinking about how scared we are of something that may or may not happen or how much we would rather be doing something else, we can ask ourselves what is happening in that very moment, making no interpretation of or judgment about it. This will help us to keep our focus.

We might still be scared for a while. That’s ok. We have to keep doing it. Keep showing up, keep having those difficult conversations, keep training, keep applying. When we feel overwhelmed by self-doubt, insecurity, and fear, we’ll keep going. We’ll teach ourselves that we can manage our fears, that they aren’t as threatening as we once thought, and that addressing our fear is not nearly as uncomfortable as being driven by it.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Learn to Calm Your Anxiety

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Learn to Calm Your Anxiety

“’Ask me whether what I have done is my life.’ For some, those words will be nonsense, nothing more than a poet’s loose way with language and logic. Of course what I have done is my life! To what am I supposed to compare it? But for those, and I am one, the poet’s words will be precise, piercing, and disquieting. They remind me of moments when it is clear- if I have eyes to see- that the life I am living is not the same as the life that wants to live in me.”

-Parker J. Palmer, ‘Let Your Life Speak’ (pp. 1,2)

 

The author is referring to the poem ‘Ask Me’ by William Stafford, which describes the intangible of life, ebbs and flows in relationship, and sense of purpose. Both Stafford and Palmer warmly convey to the reader their solidarity. In a place where we try to manage the conflicts of uncertainty, their words are welcome impressions of unity.

Their offerings speak to a wish that many of us hold, the hope to feel a sense of ok-ness. We all want to be comforted from our pain and connected to our joy, this kind of “I’ll be ok once this happens,” thinking. Unfortunately, the more we engage in this kind of thinking, the outcome tends to be an experience of significant suffering.

There are all sorts of strategies that we employ when we are engaged in this thought. We read copious self-help books and exhaust many avenues of external guidance. We’re pretty sure that someone must have the key ingredient to end our suffering and reconnect us to our serenity- anyone outside of ourselves.

We’ve spent much of our lives creating our identities, who we are, what we do, our capabilities. We do this to give ourselves some sense of stability and grounding. Often, it’s keeping within the confines of this rigid thinking that prevents us from feeling grounded when we need it most. Kind of a catch 22, wouldn’t you say?

I encourage people to be curious about themselves, to listen to themselves. The more accessible we are to ourselves, the more accessible serenity is to us. Interestingly, a lot of people who come to see me have spent years avoiding themselves, not realizing that they have been running from the key to their very own peace. I’m not saying that it’s a mistake to ask others for help, to read self-help books, to explore your options, on the contrary. These tools can be incredibly useful. But tools don’t build the structure; you do.

To feel ok, we have to learn how to listen to ourselves.

So, how can you listen to yourself? First, quiet your mouth, your thoughts, and your body. Then, invite your innermost self to reveal itself to you. Essentially, you are allowing yourself to meet… yourself. Maybe it speaks first through a distracting body sensation, a racing thought, or an overwhelming feeling. It might be hard to make sense of it at first. You might experience fear or criticism of what you notice. Let it go. Keep going. Continue to make room for this voice. Giving yourself (and your self!) regular time, intention, and space will help you to understand what you need, how to soothe yourself, and to trust yourself. You will begin to “live the life that wants to live in you.”

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Fear, Depression, and Hope

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Fear, Depression, and Hope

Most of the time you are not consciously thinking about what is at the core of what scares you.  You might not know what’s at the core. Maybe you don’t spend a lot of time thinking about the impact of being afraid, the impact of fear on your wellbeing. Whether or not you have given it a lot of thought, for some, fear can seem as though it has infinite power. It can feel paralyzing, isolating, and uncontrollable.

It can feel as though there is an endless supply of fear, that it can be turned in any direction- fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of failure, fear of economic instability, fear of “being found out.” Most of the time you want to feel good. (Who doesn’t?) To do that you probably tend to act in a way that you believe will allow you to avoid pain.  You try to predict what will cause you pain by using experience from the past and making assumptions about the future. Fear can be pretty motivating.

It’s possible to go to incredible lengths to avoid or control fear- intense preoccupation with details, intense preoccupation with outer appearance, addiction, aggression, are a few examples.

When there is so much fear telling you what you need to avoid to feel ok, it doesn’t leave much time to sit productively with what is happening in the present. You probably find that you enjoy your relationships, jobs, families, and hobbies much less. You are not as productive when you are distracted by fear, however; if you use your productivity to defend against fear, you might find that you get a lot done, but still feel incredibly anxious.

At some point, there is a circumstance that encourages you to stop avoiding whatever it is you fear. Perhaps you make a conscious choice to face it because you have renewed resolve. Maybe you find yourself in the dreaded situation and begin to see that you are already getting through it and that it has not overtaken you. Or maybe you have decided that so much avoidance is exhausting so you begin to take slow, small steps toward a courageous shift.

Fear is a pretty compelling emotion. It’s why some of you stay in relationships or jobs long after you want to be there. It’s why some of you suffer from addiction. It can drive you to lead completely inauthentic lives by denying who you are and what you want, and you begin to live for someone else, what that person wants, who that person wants you to be. This can cause depression and anxiety which feeds addictive behavior; it can be tough to extricate yourself from this cycle.

That small step toward a courageous shift I was talking about earlier is essential for getting yourself out of this pattern. On another hand, when you are in this cycle, it can be hard to see that you have any choices. Maybe you feel like you don’t have any choices at all. That’s a normal feeling. When you have been experiencing the same behavioral and emotional cycle for a length of time, it can be difficult to remember a time when things were different. Maybe things weren’t ever different, and your hope for change is slim. But if you’re here, you have found some amount of hope somewhere within you. Together we can increase that hope.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie