Showing all posts tagged communication

Say It Better

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Say It Better

It occurs to me every so often that my job is instrumental in helping me manage life. I’m really lucky. I get to spend my days learning about what works and what doesn’t and for whom. I get to talk and think all day about the human brain and its connection with the body, what to do when we find ourselves in various pickles, and best practices for increasing our well-being. Sometimes I don’t realize how much I take for granted. Last week, I realized how much I take for granted having a constructive conversation.

 

All the time (and I mean, constantly) I hear people say to one another, “How many more times are we going to have this conversation?” or “How many times do I have to tell you?!” or “How long are we going to have to keep revisiting this subject until you finally get it?” Most of the time the answer to that question is- however many times it takes because we don’t learn from lectures and conversations and words alone. Our most effective preceptor is experience. So, on the one hand, when a need or a goal is really important to us, and we feel it’s not being met, we can definitely count on having multiple conversations about it over and over and over. We might as well make ourselves a little more comfortable and feel a little less crazy by learning how to practice and apply effective conversation skills.

 

You might remember from the 80s, the T.H.I.N.K. method for communication (which I’m not totally sure but I think might have been founded on some Buddhist principles for wise speech).

 

At some point, you probably saw the poster for it in a humanities class, at a presentation given by your Human Resources department, or on a wall in your kindergarten classroom. Decades later, most of us have forgotten the message brought to us by that wise little poster. At any rate, it said:

 

Before you speak,

 

T- is it thoughtful?

H- is it helpful?

I- what is my intention?

N- is it necessary?

K- is it kind?

 

And honestly, it’s a technique that I use every day, both at work and in the rest of life. We cannot underestimate the healing power of deliberate and compassionate communication. I’m going to break it down with some more questions for deeper self-inquiry. The T.H.I.N.K. method is always simple, but it’s not always easy.

 

T- it is thoughtful:

Have I reflected on my experience to optimize this conversation? Am I fully present for this conversation or am I feeling pretty reactive right now? Am I clear on my message, needs, experience, and feelings? Is this a good time for each of us to talk about it?

 

H- is it helpful:

Does this help the other person understand my experience? Does it help me express my feelings and needs? How will it help our connection?

 

I- what is my intention:

What do I want the other person to know about how I am feeling and what I need? What do I need from this interaction?

 

N- is it necessary:

Is what I am about to say critical to my message? Is it essential to understanding my experience?

 

K- is it kind:

Am I approaching this conversation with the utmost dignity, respect, love, and compassion for myself and the other person? If I am feeling reactive, am I trying to hurt the other person so that they feel what I feel? For both of us to get the most out of this, do I need to pause or take a longer break before I continue this discussion?

 

Sometimes it’s not possible to be this thoughtful. We’re people, and we react when we feel strongly about something. Sometimes we act or speak impulsively. And sometimes others can’t or won’t hear us no matter what. And sometimes there just isn’t time and space. Our world moves at hyper speed, and we are pretty consistently pressured by this. But when we can pause for a minute, reflect, and inquire, we give ourselves and others the gift of clarity. Over time and with practice, we find that this quality of communication paves the way a deeper insight. This is crucial for changing behavior and patterns. Go forth and effectively communicate.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Jumpstart Your Compassion

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Jumpstart Your Compassion

I talk a lot about compassion on this forum. I’m a big fan. Throughout my years of working in mental health, providing clinical therapy, and immersing myself in the research I’ve come to understand that compassion plays a critical role in our human lives, the way we behave, and how we feel.

 

Buddhists and Buddhist Psychologists define compassion as being made up of two parts- 1) empathy, being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, and 2) action, extending your felt sense of empathy to do something about it. I like that. It’s a gentle but clear way of saying, “Don’t just feel for the person. Do something about it.” Feeling and action cause change.

 

There are as many reasons as there are people why it might be challenging to tap into our own compassion. Many of us don’t believe we hold enough power to effect anything worthwhile or sustainable. We feel beaten down, afraid, over-worked, alone, inadequate. Some of us even use denial to medicate our guilt and powerlessness by telling ourselves things like, “Oh, that group is suffering probably because they’ve done something to deserve it,” and “It’s probably not really that bad. Besides, I’ve got my own problems to worry about.”

 

If I cut myself off from feeling empathy because it is accompanied by feelings of sadness and guilt, it means that I am out of integrity with myself. If I am out of integrity with myself, that means I invite a whole treasure trove of other hard-to-feel feelings- blame, anger and of course more sadness and guilt. I’ll experience blame and anger because, in the short term, it is easier to get angry and blame someone who is suffering than to feel powerless to help them. It is easier to look down from my high horse on someone who is suffering and have the gall to find a reason as to why their suffering is their fault. This propensity is in all of us. We have all been in situations where we have seen suffering and not extended ourselves. We have all been in situations where we have witnessed injustice and not intervened.

 

In their book, Mindful Compassion, Paul Gilbert and Choden reflect that “Perhaps one of the greatest enemies of compassion is conformity; a preparedness to go along with the way things are, sometimes out of fear, sometimes complacency, and sometimes because we do what our leaders tell us what to do.” It’s hard to act compassionately, especially when our first instinct is to protect ourselves.

 

There are times when it is easier for us to feel compassion for others and times when it is easier to feel self-compassion. In those moments when we feel more challenged by finding compassion for others, a good way to jump start it is to practice self-compassion:

 

1) We can identify our feelings and try to define the experience we’re having.

2) We can accept our feelings and the experience we are having.

3) We can acknowledge what connects all beings- the desire to be free, happy, and loved.

4) We can acknowledge compassion that has been extended to us.

 

Like almost everything else, this is about perpetuating patterns. What we practice will continue. What our brains practice will help strengthen those neural pathways creating our neural circuitry.

 

“Until he extends his circle of compassion to include all living things, man will not himself find peace.” (Albert Schweitzer)

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Post-Election 2016

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Post-Election 2016

The U.S. General Election of 2016 has been stressful for most and torture for many. The months leading up to the disastrous outcome supplied us with vitriolic arguments and constant contention. Some of us have been directly impacted by the state of affairs our nation for years, for generations while others are just now feeling the fire, post-election. Some of us were shocked, others are not surprised but disappointed. Postings on social media and articles in major news publications have called this election divisive. They’re right. But the divisiveness and division plagued our communities for generations.

We’ve always been stronger together and now is as good a time as any to exercise this strength. It’s easy to let our feelings dominate us and react, especially when people’s safety is at risk. And it’s easy to get defensive. Some people deal with this by avoiding all information and actively disengaging from the issues. Others inundate themselves with information, mobilize, and march for justice. Some people are relieved Clinton lost. Others are devastated. Many felt that neither candidate was suitable. Let’s use this process as a way to learn how to be better with and for each other. Instead of avoiding conversations and each other, let’s use this to make us stronger, to help us see what else needs to be done, and to take responsibility for ourselves as part of the solution. Here are a few suggestions to stay grounded and connected to loved ones during this time:

 

  • Put your energy into action to ensure that you’re doing everything you can. If you’re angry and scared, find out how you can translate that energy into something that will make you feel productive and empowered. If you’re tired of fighting, rest and ask your network to hold your torch for a while.
  • Don’t get lost in self-blame if you didn’t vote, if you didn’t participate in activism or social justice activities, or if you don’t live your life in the margins. Instead, educate yourself on what next steps need to be taken and take them.
  • Don’t just apologize to your Muslim, POC, LGBQ, Trans, Undocumented, Migrant, Sexual Assault Survivor, Female friends. Ask what you can do to support them. Fight alongside them.
  • Have conversations about this with others if you feel up to it and give yourself permission to walk away if you don’t.
  • Remind yourself that it is not your job to take care of your friends’ feelings if they are experiencing white guilt, straight guilt, privileged group guilt, etc.
  • Donate your time, your energy, and your resources.
  • Keep talking. Be compassionately curious about other people’s experience. Ask questions and communicate with others about why they believe what they believe. This is to lay the groundwork for empathy and understanding. Both are critical in productive communication and soltution-finding. When we shut down and stop talking, stop listening, we cut ourselves off from finding workable solutions.
  • Educate others where you see a need for it. Much of the research has shown us that our nation is in this position of making hate/fear-fueled choices based on a severe lack of education and lack of exposure to diversity.
  • Respect others’ grieving processes and how they choose to express it. Be sensitive to their needs and experience. Everyone’s process is different.
  • Remember to engage your self-compassion. Check in with yourself and give yourself what you need as you become aware of it. When you need soothing or validation  try repeating to yourself, “Even though I am feeling________________, I deeply and profoundly accept myself.” Self-compassion is a fundamental resource available to us.
  • Identify and surround yourself with whatever and whoever connects you to hope.

 

And please let me know if you need anything. I’m always here.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

After the Hurt

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After the Hurt

We’ve all said or done hurtful things either by accident or intentionally. If we’re in a relationship long enough, it’s bound to happen. The injury can happen for many reasons. Sometimes we feel hurt so we hurt back. Sometimes we’re carrying around so much hurt from past relationships that we act from a defensive (or offensive) place. Sometimes we expect to be hurt, so we hurt first.

After we’ve hurt someone we love so many feelings are likely to surface. We might experience guilt, shame, residual anger at the other person, anger at ourselves, and sadness. We want to apologize for our actions, but we don’t know how or where to start. And the difficulty of extending an apology is exacerbated by our anger at the other person if we feel hurt by them, too. It’s pretty common to succumb to the temptation of sweeping it under the rug and forgetting about it (until the next time).

And while it is easier to forget about it in the short term, this is a dicey way to go. When we don’t hold ourselves accountable for wrongdoing, we send messages to our loved ones that we aren’t prioritizing their feelings, that dealing with conflict is too scary, that we aren’t concerned with their experience, and that we have difficulty with interconnectedness. Withholding an apology is a way to cut off intimacy and garner fear and resentment in the relationship, things that, over time, can kill a relationship. Most of us let this happen unintentionally. We’re not necessarily trying to sabotage the relationship (at least not consciously).

So, how can we do our part to keep this from happening? We have to show our loved one empathy and take responsibility. This starts with getting ourselves back on track. We have to remind ourselves what our values are and the importance of the relationship. This will help us stay in integrity with ourselves when we start the conversation and maintain our resolve when it starts to feel uncomfortable (because it will).

Once we’ve grounded ourselves in our values and our commitment to our loved one, we can come to them in an attempt to make peace. Sometimes we come to them, and they’re not ready to talk about it. That’s ok. This process is not about absolving ourselves of anything; it’s about showing integrity and love to the other person. It’s important to give respect and wait until they’re ready.

When they are ready to start the conversation, we should begin by taking responsibility for whatever it is we did or said. The most important thing is not that we start off by effusively apologizing; that indicates that our primary goal is to be forgiven, that this whole process is about making ourselves feel better. The most important thing is to let the person know we see them, that we understand what we did wrong, and that we want to know how they experienced the hurt. So we listen.

Next, we validate them. We listen to them, and we validate their experience. We make room for them as they communicate how they feel about what happened. This is not the time for us to defend ourselves or to explain our actions. This is the time for us to listen to the other person’s experience.

Finally, we show empathy. We let the other person know that we can understand how they might be feeling. If this understanding eludes us, we can ask supportive questions to help us identify with them.

Ok, so we take responsibility, listen, validate, show empathy. There is a time in the conversation to explain what was happening for us, and it’s now. After we’ve taken responsibility, listened, validated, and shown empathy, we can communicate our experience.

It’s a little tough-going at first, but this process is incredibly rewarding. It nurtures the relationship. If you have any questions or need some clarification, please let me know.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

“This is all your fault.”

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“This is all your fault.”

It’s important that we hold ourselves accountable. To be in a healthy relationship with ourselves and one another, we need to be able to accurately identify when we do something right and when we do something wrong. If we hold ourselves accountable, we learn what works, what doesn’t, and how to be a safer partner, friend, or loved one.

If I hurt your feelings, I need to take responsibility for my actions so that I can keep the integrity of the relationship. If I unintentionally hurt your feelings, I might say something like, “I can see how that would be hurtful. I’d be hurt, too. I’m so sorry that’s what it felt like to you. I would never intentionally do something to hurt you.” Then I’d probably ask you more about what it was that made you feel bad. I’d want to know what happened so that we’re both understood, make sure we increase our fluency of one another’s language, and sharpen my tools so that we have a better chance of avoiding a repeat. If I intentionally hurt your feelings, I might say something like, “You’re right. I was wrong to say that. You have every right to be hurt. I’m so sorry I hurt you.” I would do everything I could to provide a space where you felt heard and safe enough to express your experience.

The same would be true if I did something right. I’d need to be able to identify and take ownership of doing something loving or nurturing. Anything I might do in our relationship would be important information for how I feel about you, the relationship, and myself. My behavior is what I do, but it’s not who I am.

Think about that for a minute. Our behavior is what we do; it’s not who we are. One of the valuable gifts of accountability is that it reminds us of this truth every time we use it.

Blame is different. Blame tells us that our behavior is who we are. While accountability says, “I did this” blame tells us, “I am this” and is usually followed by some form of punishment and shame. Blame isolates us from our loved ones and our best selves.

When we blame ourselves, it usually sounds a lot like, “It’s all my fault. I always do this.” There is often a feeling of shame behind self-blame. We’re ashamed, so we blame ourselves, which makes us feel more ashamed, and it just goes on. Using blame also means that we are less likely to own our attributes in a positive way. There’s a better chance that we’ll throw our favors or good deeds in someone’s face, use them as weapons, or use them as tools to blame.

Anyway, we use blame will result in a negative outcome. It doesn’t matter if we blame ourselves or someone else. The message we are sending is the same- “one (or both) of us is faulty.”

When we practice accountability (whether we’re holding ourselves or someone else responsible), we increase our social and emotional resilience. We have a better understanding of what went wrong and how to prevent it from happening again. We become better partners, friends, and colleagues because we’re much less toxic. We don’t have to delight in others’ mistakes and minimize their attributes because we are confident in ourselves. Accountability gives us freedom.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Problem Solving in Relationship

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Problem Solving in Relationship

There are two types of problems in relationship, the solvable problems, and the logjam problems. Today, I’m going to talk about managing solvable problems. Solvable problems are usually every day disagreements or problems for which there are an ongoing discussion and strategy. This includes things like chores, communication issues, and other responsibilities.

A great start to problem-solving in relationship is mutual respect. When two people respect one another they want to know what they can do to be supportive. They’re curious about their loved one’s experience and how they are being perceived.

Keeping in mind mutual respect, let’s look at the first step to problem solving: a gentle approach to the discussion. Even if you’ve discussed a problem a hundred times, begin with softness in your words and your voice. When you speak harshly, contemptuously, with criticism, using blame, or defensively the other person almost immediately feels defensive and cannot hear your intended message. Instead, they hear something like, “you’re not good enough.” It’s crucial to begin discussions on a calm and respectful note because it’s much easier to maintain stability throughout the conversation. It’s possible to backtrack and try to smooth out a choppy beginning, but this is invariably more difficult. Setting a gentle tone promotes safety and stability. Now, some of you are thinking, “I do approach gently. Or at least I’ve tried it. My partner gets defensive no matter what.” Stay tuned for information about how to address this in a later post.

Next, practice extended and accepting relationship repairs. A repair is when either of you makes an attempt to de-escalate an intense (or intensifying) situation. This can come in the form of humor, soothing the other, taking a break to regroup, apologizing for any hurt/taking responsibility, showing appreciation, taking a step back to look at what’s happening, and being affectionate through disagreements. It’s just as important to accept these repair attempts from your partner as it is to initiate them. This keeps you from getting dragged down by the negativity and keeping the message afloat. You can try saying things like, “I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we take a break?” or “I feel blamed. Is there a way you can rephrase that?” or “Something I admire about you is ______________. It makes me feel __________.” Let your partner know how you’re feeling and what you need in a clear and respectful way.

The third step is comforting yourself and your loved one. Taking care of yourself and managing your emotions is important when problem-solving because it keeps you in your rational mind (prefrontal cortex) and out of your emotion mind (limbic system). This helps you to keep the conversation productive instead of out of spinning out of control and being hurtful. Self-soothing can be anything from a deep breathe to taking a break and switching gears to something relaxing. Soothing your partner can be demonstrated by softening your tone, showing affection and or appreciation. You can also ask your partner what you can do to soothe them (both in the moment and during a less intense time). This is an incredibly loving act that carries a lot of weight with most people.

The fourth step is compromise. Keeping in mind the respect you have for one another (and messages in an older post about being open to influence from your partner), compromise is another critical ingredient for successful problem solving. Talk to one another. Find out what you have in common with one another, shared beliefs and goals. This common ground will make it easier to effect a compromise. Finally, practice being tolerant of each other’s faults. We all have them. You can’t change this. This acceptance is an ongoing practice.

Keep in mind that this is a condensed description! Please contact me if you have any questions or want more information about problem-solving in relationship.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie        

Do You Want to Increase Trust in Your Relationship?

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Do You Want to Increase Trust in Your Relationship?

Not all couples are meant to stay together forever. Some couples are put back on the right track after they take a break from the relationship. Other couples regain stability after seeking professional help from a qualified counselor or therapist. And many couples need a few different strategies to get what they need from the relationship.

This week, let’s look at trust in relationship. What exactly is trust? What does trust look like in relationship? How can you improve the level of trust in your relationship? (And how do you know if your partner is worthy of your trust?)

Merriam-Webster defines trust as the “belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective,” an “assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something”. In relationship, some basic principles of trust look like this:

-Both partners attempt to make one another feel emotionally secure

-Neither partner humiliates nor disparages the other

-Both partners uphold their responsibilities

-Both partners have power and influence in the relationship

-Both partners express a desire to listen to the other, even in an argument

-Both partners demonstrate respect toward one another

Some relationships start out with a substantial lack in even the most basic aspects of trust. It’s not necessarily an indication of a doomed relationship; there are plenty of ways to increase trust in a relationship if the motivation is there. (Finding out if the motivation is there is related, but in the interest of a streamlined discussion about trust, I’ll keep it separate for now.) Considering the examples of basic trust above, let’s say that one or even all of these aspects of trust have recently been breached. Does it mean your relationship is unsalvageable? Maybe, maybe not. Let’s take a look at what is communicated depending on how a breach is handled.

Apologizing and Trust:

Can you trust your partner to apologize for mistakes? Apologizing is an excellent way to measure trust. In conflict, it’s important to be accountable to your partner, to show remorse when a wound has been inflicted. Even if one partner has to get through some skepticism, to communicate genuine atonement, the other partner must remain nondefensive and patient. Alternately, if one partner is making a concerted effort to take responsibility for any wounding, the other must also make an effort to work on forgiveness. (If there is an apology, but no forgiveness or no apology, but forgiveness it paves the way for diminishing trust and more hurt.) How do apologies work in your relationship?

Reconnecting and Trust:

To healthfully and sustainably move forward from a breach of trust, both partners must dedicate themselves to taking the relationship to a sturdier (and more satisfying) plane. This means each partner is clearly communicating their feelings as they arise. Couples are in for less welcome returns if one partner expects the other to be a mind reader. They must allow themselves to be curious about their partner’s experience and ask questions. (Remember empathic curiosity?) They must communicate to one another the compassion and empathy they feel. This will help each partner to feel more connected to the other, safer, and more trusting. Are these qualities present in your current relationship?

Everyone makes mistakes. And it can be pretty scary to trust someone when you feel wounded by a current or past relationship. A breach of trust doesn’t have to mean that your relationship is on the verge of collapse. (And there are useful tools used to look at your relationship patterns to see if it is unsustainable.) I’d love to talk more about it with you.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Relationships: Cure vs. Comfort

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Relationships: Cure vs. Comfort

The revolutionary physician, Hippocrates, encouraged us to “cure sometimes, treat often, comfort always”.

This is relevant not only for health practitioners but humanity at large. Sometimes we can cure pain; we can often alleviate some of its negative impacts, and we can always comfort one another in its midst.

About ten years ago, I was talking with a close friend about the various difficulties we have encountered in relationships. She mentioned feeling a lot of fear about her current relationship. As she talked, I tried to find some strategies for her to try. I wanted her to feel better. She kept telling me how scared she felt, and I kept throwing what seemed like helpful approaches at her feelings. Eventually, my brave friend trusted me enough to speak up for herself. She said something like, “That’s not helping! I don’t need you to try to make it better or tell me all the things I can or should do. I need you to let me know I’m not alone. Just be with me in it.”

The lesson my friend reinforced for me is incomparable. Although my impulse was to take away her pain or change it somehow, I realized that this impulse was for me, not her. I felt helpless, so it didn’t feel like enough to empathically be with her in her pain; I wanted to fix it. I’m grateful to my friend for her courage, for knowing what she needed and telling me.

I see this a lot in relationships. One person has a problem, and the other person wants to fix it, to cure it. Sometimes this is a realistic option. Sometimes there are things one member of a relationship can do to alleviate the suffering of their loved one. If it’s a relatively simple solution like being more attentive to their responsibilities or being more sensible with shared finances, it’s easier to identify a clear cure.

Other times, there are manageable ways of sharing the burden, ways of treating a loved one’s suffering. This can look a lot of different ways depending on what the problem is. For some people, a slight change in communication can help them to feel better. For others, treatment of the problem might be a little more amorphous.

Ultimately, what doesn’t fail, the thing everyone wants regardless of what’s hurting, is comfort. We want to feel like we’re not alone in our hardships, that we have love and support and a sense of safety in the uncertainty.

I’ve found a useful (and simple) way to offer comfort to a loved one is to ask, “What can I do to help you?” Sometimes they know exactly what I can do, and sometimes they don’t. When they don’t know, I tend to stay away from suggesting a swarm of options. Unless there is an obvious suggestion, a barrage of propositions can feel overwhelming for the other person, almost like an entirely new dilemma.

It’s ok not to know what to do. It’s enough for you to wrap the ones you love in your comfort.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Improving Communication to Get What You Want

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Improving Communication to Get What You Want

In a relationship, when we have a wish or a need for something to be different, most of us would like to feel that we can speak up, be heard, and see changes. And most of us have at least a few stories to tell about times that didn’t happen. Either we found it difficult to speak up for ourselves, didn’t feel that the other person really heard us, or didn’t experience a change.

It can be scary to speak up for yourself when you need or want something because it leaves you feeling more vulnerable to rejection. Conflict is hard for people to manage for a variety of reasons. By not addressing your needs, though, you’re not avoiding conflict. You still feel those needs. And they are still unmet. That’s a pretty great recipe for resentment. In the short term, it might seem easier not to voice your concerns, not to ask for something to change. The longer you keep quiet, the longer your needs stay unmet and the worse it feels.

So, what can you do to express what you need in a way that someone is likely to hear?

To start, speak in an even, calm tone that conveys respect. Most people won’t readily listen to (or care about) what is being asked of them if you are defensive, condescending, or attacking. A calm, respectful tone helps the listener to feel safer. When someone feels safe, they are much more likely to consider what is being communicated to them. Likewise, by keeping yourself calm, you are more likely to feel confident about what you are saying. When you feel confident, you don’t need to rely on a defensive or condescending tone. Win-win.

Remember I-statements? Use them. Tell me what you think sounds better to you:

A)   “What the hell?! I thought you said you were going to wash the dishes before you went to bed! Why are they still sitting here sixteen hours later?! You had time to play around on your iPad two hours, but you didn’t have time to do the dishes? How many times are we going to have to go through this before you decide to stop being so lazy?!”

B)   “I felt mad and disappointed when I went into the kitchen and saw the dirty dishes still sitting there. When you don’t do something you said you would do, I feel disregarded.”

Would A or B help you feel more receptive to what another person is saying? I guess most people would choose B. Example B doesn’t attack, doesn’t condescend, and clearly communicates the speaker’s experience.

Keep it solution-focused, not problem-focused. Solution-focused identifies strategies to try that would produce an ideal outcome. Problem-focused highlights what went wrong and is a slippery slope on the way to both of you feeling polarized on the subject. Solution-focused says, “Tonight, let’s decide who will cook dinner and who will wash the dishes. Whoever chooses to do dishes will uphold their end of the bargain by washing them before we sit down to watch Modern Family.” By focusing on how you would like the situation to play out, you are keeping a hopeful and positive perspective while addressing what isn’t working. When you focus only on what isn’t working, the other person can feel blamed and criticized.

By using these techniques, you can help create a safer environment for your loved one to hear feedback and foster a dynamic of responsibility and respect.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie             

Sabotaging Your Relationship?

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Sabotaging Your Relationship?

What comes to mind when you think of relationship sabotage? Some people think of ways they have sabotaged their relationships while others think of ways they feel others have sabotaged their relationships, maybe a partner (or ex-partner).

There are infinite ways we can sabotage relationships. We can let our suspicions get the better of us. We can let our resentments go unchecked and without productive communication. We can let our fears run wild. The list goes on.

Sometimes we can clearly identify what we’re doing- that we are sabotaging our relationships, how we’re doing it, and why. Other times it might be a bit less clear; we can’t quite see what we are doing and the toll that it’s taking on our relationships. It can feel like things “just don’t work out” or that we’re “meeting the wrong people.”

Now, sometimes that last statement is true. Sometimes we’re unknowingly engaged in patterns of meeting and being attracted to people who are a poor fit for us. This can be one type of sabotage although, what we might be “sabotaging” might not be the relationship itself. Perhaps we are sabotaging the belief that we are capable of having rich and satisfying intimate relationships. Maybe we are sabotaging the hope that we can have what we want. Or maybe we’re trying to beat disappointment to the punch by setting ourselves up for failure right from the start.

That’s not always the case, though. Sometimes we’re in completely well-matched relationships and still experience a lot of pain, turmoil, and struggle. (Whoops. How’d that happen?) These are the times when it’s possible that we’re letting fear, insecurity, suspicion, and resentment take over and poison our relationships. I have met countless couples seeking therapy because they thought that maybe they weren’t the right fit for one another only to find out that they can be great together once they have the right tools.

So, how can we tell the difference? No one wants to end a perfectly good relationship if they don’t have to.

Let’s start with the basics. One of the most important players in a relationship is communication- how you communicate with others and how they communicate with you. This includes empathy, openness, honesty, and taking responsibility for your side of the street. Sometimes there isn’t quite enough of these qualities in a relationship, and the feeling of connection and intimacy takes a pretty big hit. Communication also includes how the two of you attempt to repair wounding in the relationship. Does it seem like both of you can sense when there has been hurt feelings or ruffled feathers? When you each sense that, indeed, there has been, are both of you able to reach out to one another in an attempt to mend the injury? When either of you reaches out, does the other allow that in and accept the attempt?

There are plenty of other important ingredients that go into identifying and maintaining a healthy relationship, but communication is a substantial part of any foundation.

If you have questions or want to talk about your relationship or relationship patterns, give me a call at (415) 794-5243 or email me at natalie@nataliemillsmft.com. I look forward to talking about this with you!

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie