Showing all posts tagged healthy habits

There is Enough.

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There is Enough.

Experiencing deprivation is painful. Whether we’ve experienced deprivation in a neglectful or abusive relationship, financially, or otherwise; the lived experience of “not enough” hurts. Even when we are no longer in that same situation where we experienced the deprivation we often find ourselves in the same mindset. We can be in a totally lucrative career, making plenty of money or in a healthy, stable relationship with plenty of love and affection and still feel like there’s “not enough.”

And that scarcity mindset is a harsh landscape. It prevents us from allowing ourselves to really enjoy what we have and keeps us stuck in fear of losing it. We want to feel gratitude and excitement for how far we’ve come and where we’re at now, but we won’t allow ourselves to experience it for fear of jinxing the whole thing.

I find that, for myself, whenever I’m coming from a scarcity mindset it feels so much more dangerous to take a risk, put myself out there and get what I want. I think to myself, “Don’t rock the boat, man. You’re lucky to have what you have.” It feels safer to hold back.

It can almost feel like we’re getting away with something when we find ourselves in a good place. Any second it could all come crashing down, and we’ll lose it only this time we’ll end up worse off because we know how much better life can be. We end up holding ourselves back. Some of us protested against the deprivation we experienced in the past and got burned. The person we wanted more from rejected or abandoned us. The boss we confronted fired us. It taught us that it really is too risky to rock the boat, that we should just shut up and take what we’re offered if we know what’s good for us. So we stay stuck. It makes us more fearful and resentful. Years pass and it feels like life is just happening to us.

Often, I post about a subject and then write about some helpful tips to try. I won’t do that this time. For some reason, it seems like it would be somehow misleading. There’s no quick fix for overcoming a scarcity mindset. (I mean, there’s no quick fix for anything.) It’s a process of very deliberate practice. Some might find strength in cultivating a mindfulness practice. Others will find it in a therapeutic relationship. Some might find it using a combination of tools.

I will encourage you to try this, though. See what it’s like to notice whatever it is you’re afraid of losing. Notice how much you like having it in your life, what it does for you, how it nurtures you. Whenever the panic shows up and tells you that these are the exact reasons you’re afraid of losing this aspect of your life, acknowledge it with compassion. Remind yourself again how grateful you are to have whatever it is at the focus if this exercise.

I’ll be honest. It will be hard at first, and you’ll freak out about losing whatever it is you’re afraid of losing. You’ll probably feel anxious and irritated. When I first started, I would think, “Whatever. This is stupid.” Sometimes I’d cry, filled with anxiety about losing what I loved. It’s fine. There is no right way. You’re only job is to notice that part of yourself with compassion and remind yourself of your gratitude. Maybe you’ll only feel like you can do it for a few seconds. That’s enough. Maybe you’ll be able to do it for a minute and a half. That’s enough, too. It’s enough because there is enough.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

“How could I not have known?”

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“How could I not have known?”

There are times in our lives when it serves us not to know something, times when it serves us not to know something about what’s happened in the past, what’s happening now, or our feelings and experience. It will upset the status quo, and we are committed to protecting our status quo even when it’s killing us. Eventually, the attachment to not knowing dominates us.

We repress and suppress painful memories, our awareness. We do this for lots of reasons. We try not to know that our partner is trapped in an addiction because we don’t know how we’d deal with it, how our families would deal with it. We try not to know that we’re being cheated on because we don’t want to get divorced or break up and we don’t know how to recover from the betrayal. We try not to know that we’ve fallen out of love with someone or something because we don’t know how to move forward and we don’t want to hurt anyone. We try not to know what happened in our childhood households because if we were to know it, we’d have to rearrange our understanding of life and relationships. We try not to know that we’re depressed because it is so stigmatized and we don’t want to seem weak or sick.

We try not to know that we’re stuck in our own addiction cycle. We try not to know that we’re afraid of expressing emotions like anger, fear, and sadness, that we are ashamed of how we feel.

But one day we’re presented with irrefutable evidence or we feel we just can’t keep avoiding it or someone shines the light on the truth… and the thing we were trying so hard not to know makes itself known.

Sometimes we fall apart with this knowledge. Sometimes we steel ourselves against it. Sometimes we oscillate between the two.

We ask ourselves how this could have happened right under our noses. We wonder how we could not have known. We feel guilt for not having seen it all this time and anger for seeing it now. We blame ourselves for not knowing sooner and not changing courses, not stopping whatever was happening, not getting help sooner. Avoidance is an understandable response to stress. Stress is painful, and our brains are wired to be pain-averse. It’s what’s kept us safe and alive for generations. Some of us experienced trauma during childhood and learned to believe that we are helpless against pain or that resolving the thing that’s causing us pain is just as awful as experiencing the thing itself. Lose-lose.

It benefits us to learn about why we didn’t want to know something, why we fought knowing for so long, what it would have meant for us to know, and what it meant for us not to. When we understand the meaning, we made out of knowing versus not knowing we can have compassion for ourselves. Eventually, we can learn to stop blaming ourselves, figure out why we had to keep ourselves from not knowing and internalize that we can accept and handle the future knowledge that comes our way, no matter how painful. This takes time and practice.

We can also practice asking ourselves what we are trying not to know in our everyday lives. When sense ourselves avoiding something, a feeling, a situation, a person, we can ask ourselves what we are trying not to know. If the awareness of avoidance is still new for us and we don’t quite have the hang of it, we can ask ourselves what we are trying not to know by looking at our behavior. Sometimes the very thought of asking ourselves what we are trying not to know is terrifying.

If this sounds like you, I get it, and I would love to help you with this. Please contact me to talk about next steps. You don’t have to stay stuck in not knowing. You can upset your status quo, address the knowing, and see that you’re ok.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Radical Acceptance

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Radical Acceptance

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” –Carl Rogers

 

In my work with clients, I often talk about Radical Acceptance. Frequently there is a misunderstanding about what it means so, I thought it would be a good idea to write a little bit about it here. It’s by no means exhaustive, but it’s a nice little foray into what it’s like to Radically Accept.

First, let’s talk about what Radical Acceptance is not. Radical Acceptance is not passively accepting that we are in a challenging situation. It is not avoidance. It is not giving up or resigning to fate. It’s not taking on a victim role. Radical Acceptance is not saying to ourselves, “You know what? I have Attention Deficit Disorder, so I can’t do well in school or perform well at work. It’s just the way my brain works.” Radical Acceptance is not a cop out. It doesn’t mean that we accept abuse or disrespect. Radical Acceptance does not mean that we think, “Yep, climate change is happening. Might as well accept that this is just how things are now.” It does not have the harsh tone of “no one ever said life was easy.”

Radical Acceptance is an empowered way of approaching life. It is a deep, honest, loving, and mindful acknowledgement. Tara Brach, PhD. is a wonderful resource for Radical Acceptance. She refers to Radical Acceptance as “seeing clearly and holding our experience with compassion.” (Check out her website.)

When we employ Radical Acceptance, we turn toward ourselves and our experiences with honesty and love. We acknowledge our pain, discomfort, symptoms, struggle, and experience. It looks something like this: “I know I struggle with escapism. Instead of getting work done, I watch TV and go online. This is causing my work to suffer. I feel guilty and embarrassed. I want to change this, but I’m afraid of committing more fully to my work.” Sitting presently and authentically with our experience is powerful. It creates a safe place for us to face our fear and discomfort and that’s a critical first step.

As we engage in Radical Acceptance, we accept that we are struggling. We accept that it will take work to get through the struggle. We accept the uncertainty of what that will look and feel like. We accept that our changes and newfound knowledge of ourselves might make other people uncomfortable. We accept that relationships might change or dissolve. We accept that there are no guarantees.

In Radically Accepting something, we embrace all of this. We embrace the risk and the fear and the discomfort and the wish for protection from all of this and the impulse to avoid and the change and the work and the struggle. We own it all. We own our experience and our journey through it. The feelings and the circumstances stop dominating us.

Try this exercise. Sit quietly for a minute and just be. See what you notice. If there is anxiety, acknowledge it. If your nose itches, acknowledge it. If there is a loud siren wailing down the street, acknowledge it. If there is a judgment about sitting quietly followed by an impulse to meet a need, acknowledge it. It’s that simple. As you practice Radical Acceptance it will grow and strengthen and shape your life; you will notice that you feel more grounded, present, and empowered. It’s a long, nonlinear, unending, powerful journey.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

What Gets in the Way of Self-Care?

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What Gets in the Way of Self-Care?

We hear a lot about the importance of self-care. It’s become a pretty big industry. It’s even commonplace to be asked what we do to take care of ourselves when we are applying for certain jobs. We know it’s good for us. We want to do it, but it’s not as easy as it sounds. Self-care is incredibly personal and defined on a case-by-case basis. What I might consider self-care you might consider a chore or a waste of time. When we finally figure out what self-care means to us, we run into other obstacles. We don’t have the time or the means or the motivation. Sometimes we feel that we have such a deficit of self-care that we’re overwhelmed by what we need and don’t know where to start. We just keep slogging through life because it’s what we know how to do and what we’ve always done.

Let’s take a break from all that slogging and look at some of the common issues that get in the way of self-care:

A lack of understanding of what self-care is: A good way to find out what feels like self-care to you is to explore. Ask yourself what you need and want more of in life and what you need to do to get it. For some it might be more play time. For others it might be more work time. Some of us might need more massages and nights out with friends while others might require more time to prepare meals and quiet time. Sometimes it’s more specific. Someone might want to self-advocate more in relationships needs to create a self-care plan around that. Some of us need many hours of self-care per week and some of us need a lot fewer. And it’s subject to change from week to week and age to age; what we consider self-care at 25 might be different at 35.

Defining ourselves based on what other people think: When we define ourselves and our worth based on what others think we imprison ourselves. We either deprive ourselves of the self-care behaviors we know we need or we engage them in secret, surrounding ourselves with guilt. We feel we have to steal that time instead of owning it. I know how hard this is. We live in a culture that encourages us to define our worth by how busy we are, how overworked and exhausted we are. If we have anything left to give at the end of the day we haven’t done enough. We’re not as worthy as someone who doesn’t make time for themselves.

Low self-worth: The lower our self-worth the less we believe that we have the right to self-care. We’re on a hamster wheel just running to try to reach that coveted status symbol of worth. We run ourselves into the ground. We work around the clock. We don’t say “no.” We don’t hold limits with other people. We people please. We try to fit in.

Perfectionism: We eat into our self-care time with work, chores, favors for other people. It’s hard for us to stop something mid-project or before it meets our unattainable measure of satisfaction. Sometimes it’s a little more subtle; we don’t want to start a self-care routine until we (are in a relationship, move, lose weight, are sure we have the job, etc.) This is dicey because there will never be a right time to start the routine. There will always be something that prevents us from taking care of ourselves. We’ll just keep running on that hamster wheel.

Inability to ask for help/define needs: When we introduce self-care into our lives it usually requires a change somewhere else. We need to restructure our time and this can impact other aspects of our lives and relationships. When we can’t ask for what we need we stay stuck. Not asking for help when we need it is a great way to make self-care seem like a chore. It becomes one more thing we have to get done instead of something that feels restorative and nutritive.

Shame: When we carry beliefs that we are defective, not enough, unworthy, or intrinsically bad it’s difficult for us to believe that we deserve to take care of ourselves. We’re usually too busy trying to prove our worth by taking care of others to give ourselves care. This is an insidious issue that has many faces and can show up in various aspects of our lives. It can feel nearly impossible to take care of ourselves when we’re carrying around shame.

The list looks like a pretty tall order of change to address, and I’ll be the first to admit that it’s challenging. We’ll have to be willing to look at our patterns and narratives and do some uncomfortable work. It’s better than the alternative, though. It’s better than staying stuck in the pile of shame and resentment and exhaustion. Let’s get to work.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Navigating Investment and Detachment

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Navigating Investment and Detachment

I’ve spent years thinking about this. I’m learning to practice it regularly and often find myself challenged by it. I talk a lot about it with people, our struggle to cultivate balance that works for us. How do we balance investment with detachment? We frequently find ourselves oscillating between the two, trying to find a balance that works for us. We do it with everything- relationships, goals, jobs, conversations, literally everything.

We come across it every day. “I want my kid to be happy. I think a), b), and c) will make him happy.” “I want my friend to have a healthy relationship, but she’s married to an idiot. She’s totally settling.” “The agency I work for isn’t optimizing their marketing tools. They’re selling themselves short!” “My brother isn’t putting enough into his retirement. He’s irresponsible, and he’s going to have to pay for it later.”
I’m far from having found the perfect equation to balancing investment with detachment. I have, however, found a few helpful tools.

Helpful Tips:

Look at how we make meaning: “a), b), and c) will make him happy.” “She’s totally settling.” “He’s irresponsible, and he’s going to have to pay for it later.” These are all assumptions we’ve used to make meaning of someone’s behavior, and we can take it to the next level. “My kid is academically talented. If she applies herself, she’ll have her choice of schools and careers; she’ll feel empowered and confident. She will have a happy and successful life. If I send her to this elementary school and keep her on this track it means that a) I’m a good parent because I want my daughter to be happy and successful and b) she will, in fact, be happy.” It’s pretty hard to detach from the outcome of something you believe makes you a good parent or that will make your child happy. Allowing ourselves some space to explore how we’ve arrived at this meaning helps us reevaluate our process. We can dig around to see how we’ve come to subscribe to our beliefs. Sometimes we’ve been caring around these beliefs and narratives for a lifetime.
It’s common for us to personalize what people do. It can feel almost as though they are doing it at or to us. “If she stops doing this, it means she respects me.” “If he does this, it means he respects me.” We become entrenched in the stories we tell ourselves about what others do. Looking at how we make meaning will allow crucial insight into what we need to do to balance our investment with detachment.

Be honest with ourselves: We can ask ourselves, “Is this for them or me? Why do I feel so unflinchingly passionate about this?” When we look at how we make meaning of something, we also need to practice honesty. Sometimes we’ll come up with the same answer that’s always felt true, “because I love them, and I want them to be happy.” Sometimes we’ll realize that it’s because we’re equating control with love or worthiness. “If they take my advice, it means they love me/that I’m worthy.” or “If I impose my advice, it means I love them.” We can come to many different conclusions. It’s important that we’re curious and honest with ourselves about our intentions. We often tell ourselves that we’re doing something because we love someone. I don’t know about you, but most people I know don’t experience lectures or micromanagement as love. Intellectually, we know that that’s probably where they come from, but it doesn’t give us a felt experience of love.
Practice compassion (with ourselves and others): By looking for reasons and ways to have compassion for ourselves and others we give ourselves space from frustration. When we understand why someone chooses what they choose or behaves in a certain way, it helps us to shift from feeling infuriated to feeling love and patience. It’s another way of making meaning of behavior that depersonalizes someone else’s choices or behavior and replaces it with empathy and understanding.

Ask ourselves how it affects us: Some people and situations affect us more than others. We might not be terribly affected by a sibling’s choice of how they choose to manage their retirement account as we are by the choices made by our employer. Luckily, even when it seems as though there’s no way around the deep effects of someone or something, we have some choices. We have a choice in how much we personalize things or in the perspective with which we align ourselves. I like to ask myself, “How does this affect me?” I like to follow it up with, “What can I do about it?” (which can be a little tricky sometimes because of ideas like lecturing someone or imposing my view seem like viable options. They’re not.) I also like to ask myself, “Am I trying to stop someone from learning from their experiences?” I’ve been surprised by how many times the answer is, “Yep, I definitely am.”
It’s hard to let go of the things that win our investment. But finding our balance between investment and detachment is a precious gift that we give to ourselves and our loved ones.
Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

 

6 Things That Are Preventing You From Balancing Your Life

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6 Things That Are Preventing You From Balancing Your Life

We receive countless messages throughout the day. Our brains are inundated with them. Many of these messages encourage us to do more, work more, achieve more, get more. We carry around devices that aid these messages. They have the capacity to immediately link us to people, limitless information, our work, our responsibilities, pretty much anything. With this much accessibility to stimulation, it’s never been easier to run ourselves into the ground than it is right now. If we’re not careful with it, it can complicate an already tricky challenge of striking the balance between work and responsibility and the rest of our lives. We can be at work, but chat with friends online, online shop, send snapchats, and read blogs. (Maybe you’re even reading this blog at work right now.) We can go on vacation, but attend conference calls with colleagues and clients, answer emails, and work on tasks. Everything can just kind of… merge with everything else. Pretty soon, we’re trying to relax when we’re at work and trying to work when we’re at home. We go to bed at 2 am and struggle to get up for work. We’re caught in an exhausting cycle. With all the distractions, messages to do more, and responsibilities we have to manage it’s hard to feel like creating a balance between work and everything else in life is even a possibility. I’d like to look at some of what stops us from creating the balance we’d like.

  • Perfectionism: The need to finish every single note, email, assignment, or task before we leave for the day. The need to return all of the voicemails. A lot of the time it’s unrealistic. If our expectation is to complete every single thing we’re tasked with every single day, we’ll find ourselves leaving work late and taking our work home with us. We have to learn to prioritize and delegate. We can’t go to every meeting someone thinks we should attend. We can’t expect to leave each day with our inboxes empty. We have to skip some meetings or send a colleague. We have to get to the first three or first five most important priorities and proceed from there. We’ll feel stuck, our of control, resigned if we try to hold ourselves to the unrealistic standards of perfectionism.
  • Getting distracted during work time: Facebook, Reddit, cat memes, texting or chatting with friends, dealing with household issues- we’ve all been there. If we often give into these distractions, we probably don’t finish all the work we would like to by the end of our work day. It also probably means that we end up taking work home with us to make up for it. If it’s just a matter of sucking it up and getting the work done, that’s one thing. If we’re feeling uninspired by our work and want to escape, then maybe we need to pay more attention to that. It’s possible we need to make an adjustment in the job or even career.
  • No delineation between work-time and off-time hours: They’re merged. Between email and list serves that come to our phones, taking work home with us, and all the apps that our jobs use to “keep us connected,” we can (and do) work anywhere, anytime. We see a notification pop up, check it out, and respond. We do this habitually. It feels as though we have to respond immediately. We start to believe that we have no say in the matter, no control over our lives. To reestablish our agency, we need to set and keep distinct work-time and home/off-time hours. Stop checking email, apps, and voicemail at 7p. Don’t check them on the weekends. Find whatever works for you and stick to it otherwise, you’ll always feel that pull to respond and your time won’t feel like your own.
  • Not enough exercise or meditation: Both of these activate the parasympathetic nervous system which helps calm us. It’s known as the “rest and digest” mechanism, and it helps slow the heart rate and relax the sphincter muscles. When we strengthen our parasympathetic nervous system, we improve our resources available to help calm our sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight response). Start small with 20 minutes of physical activity and 5 minutes of meditation. Build on it until you find what works for you.
  • Fixed mindset: Every so often it’s important to reevaluating our schedules and responsibilities. Does it still work for us? If we’ve taken on new responsibilities at work or home, we should try looking at the distribution to see if it feels manageable to us. Most of us can’t keep putting more on our plates without taking something off. Look at changing or reallocating responsibilities at work or home. Ask for what you need. Learn to delegate.
  • Not prioritizing time for ourselves: We need time to do what we want to do. Sometimes it’s enough to meditate or go for a swim or even take the car to get the oil changed. But sometimes that just feels like more work. Check in with yourself to see what kind of time for yourself you’re craving. Maybe you need some time with friends or time alone, a day trip, a vacation- something to change your scenery and routine. What do you think might help you to recharge?

These tips can be helpful, but sometimes just reading suggestions like these will make us want to scream or cry or roll our eyes. “Yeah, that sounds great. I’d love to have time for myself. Unfortunately, I have too many responsibilities and by the time I have a second of down time I fall asleep, or someone needs something.” And sometimes we feel like we’re already doing all the suggestions and trying all the tip variations, but still don’t feel like balance is possible. If this feels like you, let me know, and we can try to figure out next steps. I know it’s not always as easy as rearranging a few things.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

What You Practice Will Continue

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What You Practice Will Continue

Who among us hasn’t gotten fed up with some pattern to which we seemed to be unflinchingly committed and decided that today is the day to make a once-and-for-all change? We’ve bought the self-help books, read them all the way through, completed the exercises, and made a plan for ourselves. And then in a couple of weeks (if that) we’ve felt as though the book that was going to help us change our patterns (improve our relationship, help us get fit, connect us to happiness) never happened at all. It’s as though we never even picked them up. And that seems to be the best case scenario. It’s more likely that we’ve bought the books and gotten half or part-way through them and haven’t completed all (or any) of the exercises. We lose interest, lose steam, and we lose motivation to revisit them. We blame the books, ourselves, our busy schedules, other people.

This frustration is definitely not specific to self-help books. It can happen with anything- a motivational speech we attend, a heart-to-heart we have with a loved one about changing something in the relationship, a heart-to-heart we have with ourselves about not choosing the wrong people anymore. How many times have we found ourselves saying something like, “How many times do I have to tell you?!” or “How many times do we have to have this conversation?” and “I’ve tried to change this so many times. Nothing works.” It’s infuriating as hell, and it makes us feel like giving up and walking away.

And I know how it feels. I’ve had partially-read self-help books stack up on my bookshelf, too. I have also said, “How many times do we have to talk about this?!” Don’t lose heart. The human brain learns by doing, by experience. It would be awesome if we learned by doing something just one time, but we are people, not robots. In what sport do the players practice one time? In which subject do students have a one-time class? Do musicians attend one practice? Did any of us learn to drive by driving a car once? When have we ever been prescribed a one-pill antibiotic? (Actually, this one-time antibiotic might be a real thing now. I’m not sure.) Anyway, you get it.

Our brains are set up to let our sweet, little neurons flow wherever there is a synaptic connection. We strengthen those connections through use. The more we think about, practice, or experience something, the more we embed that synaptic connection. It will be the first path down which our cute neurons choose to travel. (Keep in mind that during sleep our brain experiences synaptic pruning which means that it discards all of the weak associations it has made. It identifies the strongest synaptic connection and saves them. It assumes they are most important.)

Don’t donate those self-help books quite yet. Consider rereading them. Keep having the same discussion about the distribution of household duties with your spouse. Keep trying to make the changes you’ve been trying to make. Remind yourself that, even though school might be forever out of session, studying is still a requirement for success. We study every day; we’re just not aware of it.

If I think and talk about how much I hate Brian from work, what an idiot he is, how clueless he is, I am studying how much I hate Brian. The more I think about how awful Brian is, the stronger I make that synaptic connection. The stronger the connection gets, the more important my brain thinks that information is, and the more neurons are inclined to choose that pathway. I can turn this in any direction. I can practice thinking about idiotic Brian or I can practice detaching and remind myself that his behavior isn’t about me. I can practice having important conversations about repeat-scenarios with someone in whom I am invested. I can practice the homework my therapist gives me and the exercises my health coach assigns and the exercises I read in self-help books to strengthen those neural networks. So, keep practicing, as often as you can. Keep getting back on the wagon after you’ve fallen off. It’s not as easy as a one-time fix, but it’s more realistic and sustainable.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

5 Things People with Self-Compassion Do

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5 Things People with Self-Compassion Do

Dr. Kristin Neff has defined self-compassion as having three elements: “self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.” In order to engage self-compassion, one must observe the suffering, “feel moved” by or honoring it, and find a way to comfort and care for ourselves in the moment of suffering. It is an essential resource.  And it can be elusive. We often take the well-travelled roads that we hope will lead us there- dieting or losing weight, cleanses, seeking an intimate partner relationship, applying for a job promotion, looking for ways to earn more money, effecting some huge life change. None of these are bad; in fact, they can bring us a lot of joy and satisfaction and benefit us. They just aren’t enough to improve and maintain our self-compassion.

When we have low self-compassion, we often seek out a lot of external validation, need to be liked at any cost, employ escapist tactics (substances, technology, food, shopping, etc.), accept disrespect or mistreatment from others, and are either critical of ourselves or are narcissistically defended against our own flaws. The lower our self-compassion, the more we engage in these behaviors and the lower our self-compassion plummets. It’s a real bummer of a cycle.

There are five critical behaviors to help improve your level of self-compassion. They are usually avoided by people who have trouble respecting themselves. If you suffer from a lack of self-compassion, you might read this and think, “Well, I don’t engage these behaviors precisely because I lack self-compassion. Then what?” It might seem impossible to unstick yourself from that catch-22.

I urge you to take a risk. Just try it. Try doing what people with self-compassion do and see how it feels. Just see if you feel any difference. If you hate it, and you decide you are happier with things as they were before, then that’s fine. I think you might like the results, though.

So, what are some of the tricks used by people who have self-compassion?

 

  • They set boundaries. They say “no” to things that don’t work for them. They don’t accept disrespectful treatment. They let people know the terms that are both acceptable and unacceptable to them and hold that line. They’d rather live in integrity with themselves than be liked and accepted by others.
  • They forgive themselves. People who have compassion for themselves don’t rake themselves over and over the coals if they slip up. They learn from it. They understand that mistakes are par for the course and that it’s ok. They know that they are not their mistakes.
  • They allow themselves to fail. They allow themselves to be wrong or fall flat on their faces or come in last. They understand that this means they took a risk, put themselves out there, made an attempt at something. They gather the information from the failure and try again because they know that this time, they’re approaching the task with a better understanding. (This doesn’t mean they’re happy about the failure. It might still feel shitty. It can still feel totally frustrating.)
  • They apply self-discipline. They set boundaries for themselves, too, tell themselves “no.” People with self-compassion know that they feel better about themselves when they balance fun with responsibility, health with decadence, relaxation with work. They know that they’ll feel shitty about themselves if they watch too much TV, eat too much garbage, and go to bed too late. They have a good understanding of what their effort will get them, so they apply it.
  • They honestly identify their short-comings. People who have self-compassion are honest with themselves and others about their flaws. They know that to identify where they fall short means that they are less likely to take on more than they manage. They are more likely to work within their scope of competence, setting themselves up for a better chance of success. If they make a mistake, they’re more likely to hold themselves accountable for it. People with self-compassion don’t dwell on their flaws or invisibilize their positive attributes while highlighting the negatives. They use the information about their flaws to apply themselves in their endeavors.

I know that to some this list looks daunting. I get it. Patterns are hard to break, and we engage them for a reason. If you’re dissatisfied with your level of self-compassion and would like to come up with a plan together about how to troubleshoot this, I would love to talk with you about it!

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

The Power of No

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The Power of No

To quote Tina Fey’s geniusly played character on The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, “Some people are scared of conflict, but… it gets shit done.” She’s right. Conflict, when managed appropriately, gets shit done. I often use this space to talk about how to effectively manage conflict and what it looks like when conflict is mismanaged. I’d like to take a minute to sing the praises of the conflict itself. And what better way to find yourself in conflict than when you say “no”?

You and I both know you don’t want to spend 20 minutes listening to your neighbor talk about his kids when you’re just trying to get into your house after a long day. You don’t want to stay late to work on the work thing that everyone else has blown off any more than I do. And you don’t want to accept the disrespectful treatment from that friend who is a friend, but more of a nuisance. And you and I also know that we’ve said yes to all of these things. We’ve listened to the neighbor, put in work that everyone else has shirked, and accepted the disrespect for a lot of reasons. It felt easier than setting a boundary; we wanted to people-please; we didn’t know how not to engage in the first place. It’s simple, but it’s not always easy, especially at first. You have to say no. There’s no way around it.

When you accept treatment you don’t want; you’re saying to yourself and others, “You don’t have to respect me. I don’t respect me either. I’m more concerned with being accepted by you than I am with liking myself.” That’s a dissatisfying and precarious way to live. Frankly, it’s a perfect recipe for resentment.

And I get it. You might be thinking, “Ok, but if I respected myself I wouldn’t have a problem saying ‘no’ in the first place.” And you’re right. There’s no easy answer here. You just have to start saying “no.” Start anywhere. When your neighbor starts talking to you, greet him but tell him you’ll have to catch him later. Stand up for yourself at work and say that you can’t stay late either or that you don’t want to be the only person working on the project. Assert yourself with your nuisance-friend and tell him you’re not going to go out of your way to give him rides anymore.

We accept subpar treatment because some part of us believes that we deserve it. Start showing yourself that you deserve respect. Show yourself how good it feels when you assert your needs.

I also want to be respectful of what might have made you feel that you’re not allowed to say “no” or that when you do it’s not heard. Trauma can make us feel like it’s not safe to say “no” or that it won’t matter if we do because, at some point, this was true. We keep living as if it continues to be true. Whether it’s childhood abuse, domestic violence, bullying, implicit messaging from parents or other impactful relationships, there are many roads that could have led us to say “yes” when we’d rather say “no.” Working through this requires effort, and it’s totally possible to get there.

If you’d like to be able to set your boundaries and access your self-respect, I’d love to help you.

Get yourself to a place where you can set a boundary because you know your experience and feelings matter. Get yourself to a place where you trust yourself enough to say “no.”

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Learn to Calm Your Anxiety

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Learn to Calm Your Anxiety

“’Ask me whether what I have done is my life.’ For some, those words will be nonsense, nothing more than a poet’s loose way with language and logic. Of course what I have done is my life! To what am I supposed to compare it? But for those, and I am one, the poet’s words will be precise, piercing, and disquieting. They remind me of moments when it is clear- if I have eyes to see- that the life I am living is not the same as the life that wants to live in me.”

-Parker J. Palmer, ‘Let Your Life Speak’ (pp. 1,2)

 

The author is referring to the poem ‘Ask Me’ by William Stafford, which describes the intangible of life, ebbs and flows in relationship, and sense of purpose. Both Stafford and Palmer warmly convey to the reader their solidarity. In a place where we try to manage the conflicts of uncertainty, their words are welcome impressions of unity.

Their offerings speak to a wish that many of us hold, the hope to feel a sense of ok-ness. We all want to be comforted from our pain and connected to our joy, this kind of “I’ll be ok once this happens,” thinking. Unfortunately, the more we engage in this kind of thinking, the outcome tends to be an experience of significant suffering.

There are all sorts of strategies that we employ when we are engaged in this thought. We read copious self-help books and exhaust many avenues of external guidance. We’re pretty sure that someone must have the key ingredient to end our suffering and reconnect us to our serenity- anyone outside of ourselves.

We’ve spent much of our lives creating our identities, who we are, what we do, our capabilities. We do this to give ourselves some sense of stability and grounding. Often, it’s keeping within the confines of this rigid thinking that prevents us from feeling grounded when we need it most. Kind of a catch 22, wouldn’t you say?

I encourage people to be curious about themselves, to listen to themselves. The more accessible we are to ourselves, the more accessible serenity is to us. Interestingly, a lot of people who come to see me have spent years avoiding themselves, not realizing that they have been running from the key to their very own peace. I’m not saying that it’s a mistake to ask others for help, to read self-help books, to explore your options, on the contrary. These tools can be incredibly useful. But tools don’t build the structure; you do.

To feel ok, we have to learn how to listen to ourselves.

So, how can you listen to yourself? First, quiet your mouth, your thoughts, and your body. Then, invite your innermost self to reveal itself to you. Essentially, you are allowing yourself to meet… yourself. Maybe it speaks first through a distracting body sensation, a racing thought, or an overwhelming feeling. It might be hard to make sense of it at first. You might experience fear or criticism of what you notice. Let it go. Keep going. Continue to make room for this voice. Giving yourself (and your self!) regular time, intention, and space will help you to understand what you need, how to soothe yourself, and to trust yourself. You will begin to “live the life that wants to live in you.”

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie