Showing all posts tagged hope

There is Enough.

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There is Enough.

Experiencing deprivation is painful. Whether we’ve experienced deprivation in a neglectful or abusive relationship, financially, or otherwise; the lived experience of “not enough” hurts. Even when we are no longer in that same situation where we experienced the deprivation we often find ourselves in the same mindset. We can be in a totally lucrative career, making plenty of money or in a healthy, stable relationship with plenty of love and affection and still feel like there’s “not enough.”

And that scarcity mindset is a harsh landscape. It prevents us from allowing ourselves to really enjoy what we have and keeps us stuck in fear of losing it. We want to feel gratitude and excitement for how far we’ve come and where we’re at now, but we won’t allow ourselves to experience it for fear of jinxing the whole thing.

I find that, for myself, whenever I’m coming from a scarcity mindset it feels so much more dangerous to take a risk, put myself out there and get what I want. I think to myself, “Don’t rock the boat, man. You’re lucky to have what you have.” It feels safer to hold back.

It can almost feel like we’re getting away with something when we find ourselves in a good place. Any second it could all come crashing down, and we’ll lose it only this time we’ll end up worse off because we know how much better life can be. We end up holding ourselves back. Some of us protested against the deprivation we experienced in the past and got burned. The person we wanted more from rejected or abandoned us. The boss we confronted fired us. It taught us that it really is too risky to rock the boat, that we should just shut up and take what we’re offered if we know what’s good for us. So we stay stuck. It makes us more fearful and resentful. Years pass and it feels like life is just happening to us.

Often, I post about a subject and then write about some helpful tips to try. I won’t do that this time. For some reason, it seems like it would be somehow misleading. There’s no quick fix for overcoming a scarcity mindset. (I mean, there’s no quick fix for anything.) It’s a process of very deliberate practice. Some might find strength in cultivating a mindfulness practice. Others will find it in a therapeutic relationship. Some might find it using a combination of tools.

I will encourage you to try this, though. See what it’s like to notice whatever it is you’re afraid of losing. Notice how much you like having it in your life, what it does for you, how it nurtures you. Whenever the panic shows up and tells you that these are the exact reasons you’re afraid of losing this aspect of your life, acknowledge it with compassion. Remind yourself again how grateful you are to have whatever it is at the focus if this exercise.

I’ll be honest. It will be hard at first, and you’ll freak out about losing whatever it is you’re afraid of losing. You’ll probably feel anxious and irritated. When I first started, I would think, “Whatever. This is stupid.” Sometimes I’d cry, filled with anxiety about losing what I loved. It’s fine. There is no right way. You’re only job is to notice that part of yourself with compassion and remind yourself of your gratitude. Maybe you’ll only feel like you can do it for a few seconds. That’s enough. Maybe you’ll be able to do it for a minute and a half. That’s enough, too. It’s enough because there is enough.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Fear, Depression, and Hope

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Fear, Depression, and Hope

Most of the time you are not consciously thinking about what is at the core of what scares you.  You might not know what’s at the core. Maybe you don’t spend a lot of time thinking about the impact of being afraid, the impact of fear on your wellbeing. Whether or not you have given it a lot of thought, for some, fear can seem as though it has infinite power. It can feel paralyzing, isolating, and uncontrollable.

It can feel as though there is an endless supply of fear, that it can be turned in any direction- fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of failure, fear of economic instability, fear of “being found out.” Most of the time you want to feel good. (Who doesn’t?) To do that you probably tend to act in a way that you believe will allow you to avoid pain.  You try to predict what will cause you pain by using experience from the past and making assumptions about the future. Fear can be pretty motivating.

It’s possible to go to incredible lengths to avoid or control fear- intense preoccupation with details, intense preoccupation with outer appearance, addiction, aggression, are a few examples.

When there is so much fear telling you what you need to avoid to feel ok, it doesn’t leave much time to sit productively with what is happening in the present. You probably find that you enjoy your relationships, jobs, families, and hobbies much less. You are not as productive when you are distracted by fear, however; if you use your productivity to defend against fear, you might find that you get a lot done, but still feel incredibly anxious.

At some point, there is a circumstance that encourages you to stop avoiding whatever it is you fear. Perhaps you make a conscious choice to face it because you have renewed resolve. Maybe you find yourself in the dreaded situation and begin to see that you are already getting through it and that it has not overtaken you. Or maybe you have decided that so much avoidance is exhausting so you begin to take slow, small steps toward a courageous shift.

Fear is a pretty compelling emotion. It’s why some of you stay in relationships or jobs long after you want to be there. It’s why some of you suffer from addiction. It can drive you to lead completely inauthentic lives by denying who you are and what you want, and you begin to live for someone else, what that person wants, who that person wants you to be. This can cause depression and anxiety which feeds addictive behavior; it can be tough to extricate yourself from this cycle.

That small step toward a courageous shift I was talking about earlier is essential for getting yourself out of this pattern. On another hand, when you are in this cycle, it can be hard to see that you have any choices. Maybe you feel like you don’t have any choices at all. That’s a normal feeling. When you have been experiencing the same behavioral and emotional cycle for a length of time, it can be difficult to remember a time when things were different. Maybe things weren’t ever different, and your hope for change is slim. But if you’re here, you have found some amount of hope somewhere within you. Together we can increase that hope.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie