Showing all posts tagged relationships

Deepen Your Relationship in Conflict

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Deepen Your Relationship in Conflict

A few days ago, I came across various articles warning readers about what not to say to different groups of people- what not to ask women, what not to say to new parents, what not to ask an older male divorcee, what never, ever to ask (fill in the blank). I decided to investigate these articles further so that I might be able to understand the messages. After reading them, it seemed that the message to readers was pretty clear. The authors hoped that their words would preclude people from offending each other, sounding stupid, or both.

Overall, I appreciated this sentiment. I don’t like to see people get their feelings hurt either. But the more I thought about the authors’ collective message, the more I couldn’t help but get the feeling that there might be an even deeper message, a message that communicated danger in being curious.

As a therapist, I see a lot of people who want to learn how to manage conflict in a more productive way so that they can have the relationships, careers, and lives they want. A lot of learning how to manage conflict is a) learning how to manage one’s emotions, b) learning about the language one uses to communicate (and what it says about them), and c) curiosity about another’s experience. We are in conflict in every way, every day. Conflict is simply variation. We all manage (and mismanage) conflict every day, sometimes without realizing it.

When I hear people urging others out there to clam up and not ask specific questions, I hear them asking for people not to communicate their curiosity. It sounds as though they are suggesting that the antidote to conflict is a closed mouth. Of course, that isn’t the intention; I know that. But a lot of relationship wounds happen unintentionally.

Which brings me to… intention. When you are managing conflict, it’s important to pay attention to intention, both your own and another person’s. If another person’s intention is unclear to you, it’s a great idea to ask them. If it seems like they’re trying to make you feel uncomfortable, provoke you, etc., the conversation will probably feel like more of an attack and their questions might feel more threatening or offensive. Most people don’t want to oblige people’s questions when they feel threatened. But what if someone is genuinely curious about your experience? Then how do you feel about questions?

What if the thirty-something single working mom wants you to ask the questions that you have about her life so that she can broaden your understanding, feel a little less isolated, and deepen her connection to you? Obviously, the first step is to ask if you can ask. Second, be respectful and non-critical if she doesn’t want to answer certain questions. I imagine that part of what went into creating these lists of what not to ask who is the notion that there are times when it’s tough to be and feel vulnerable, that we need to respect this in one another.

Take some time right now to think about questions that might be on your “questions never to ask me” list. How did they get on that list? What does it mean to you when someone asks you these questions? Does age, gender, sexuality, privilege, economic status factor in? If so, how? What feeling is evoked when someone asks you or when you think about someone asking you these particular questions? What would you like to avoid by avoiding said questions?

I’m reasonable. I get that it might feel surprising (and maybe a little jarring) to be asked certain questions by strangers or those with whom you are not close, no matter how pure the intention. I’m not advocating for intrusiveness. But it seems like there is a lot of “never ask this!” advice for friends and family and I think it’s such a disservice to intimacy and connection! Most humans want to understand and be understood by one another.

 

Love and Be Loved,

Natalie

What You Need to Know Before You Break Up, Divorce, Or Separate

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What You Need to Know Before You Break Up, Divorce, Or Separate

I see a lot of couples and individuals who seek help with their romantic relationships, marriages, and intimate partner relationships. The most common issue they bring involves some kind of change they would like to make in the way they communicate. This can mean a variety of things.

“We have problems with communication,” can mean that one partner wants the other to have mind-reading capabilities (which often results in resentment), difficulty taking responsibility (defensiveness and blame), unaddressed or unmanaged insecurities, frequent criticism by one or both partners, or shutting the other out. Often, all of these are present. This can be exhausting and discouraging. When this difficulty in “communication” has gone unmanaged long enough, people begin to wonder if it means a break-up is imminent. I hear the phrases “fresh start” and “clean slate” more than I can count. Often, people feel as if relief cannot be achieved fast enough.

A small background on humans and our emotions (and emotion management):

There are two brains that are responsible for our emotional life, the prefrontal cortex (logic) and the limbic system (emotion). The prefrontal cortex is in charge of our executive functioning. Because of our prefrontal cortex we can make decisions, calculations, and reason.

Our limbic system is our emotion center, the pain and pleasure centers, where our fight or flight responses originate. When activated, the limbic system releases adrenaline. Adrenaline interferes with/prohibits the prefrontal cortex from reasoning. If the limbic system is incredibly triggered, it releases a lot of adrenaline. If it is only slightly triggered, it releases less.

This system works great when we need to act without thinking. If in danger, we can quickly get to safety. The same system is less ideal when we need to think before we do or say something (which is most of the time). When we legitimately need immediate relief, it is an efficient interaction. When we feel like we need immediate relief (and are not actually in danger), we have our work cut out for us.

In short, when our lives are not in danger, our limbic system makes us stupid.

It’s common for people to experience stress involving the two brains in other aspects of their lives, too, not only in relationship. We look for a “fresh start” in many places- jobs, places of residence, careers, and groups for instance. It’s just as common for those who have begun a fresh start to find that they’ve made a mistake or that the problem has followed them. This can bring about feelings of anger, grief, confusion, desperation, and hopelessness.

We ask ourselves, “Should I stay or should I go?” (Because we like to simplify things, and we want to feel better yesterday.) It would benefit us to shift our thinking a bit and ask ourselves,

“What am I looking for? What would have to be true for me to have the experience I want?” This pattern of thinking sets the scene for a more curious, thoughtful mindset. Instead of piling reaction on top of reaction, we have the chance to clearly navigate our situations with intention and care.

I encourage you to do just that; ask yourself what you’re after and what would have to be true for this to be experienced. Give yourself time and space for thought and curiosity. To quote the adage- “Don’t just do something. Sit there.”

If you would like to find out more about strategies to manage your emotions, read my older entries, stay tuned for newer entries, or give me a call. Whatever you do, be patient and compassionate with yourself so that you can figure out what will work for you. You would probably rather have lasting relief over immediate (and usually short-lived) relief.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Build Your Confidence in Relationships

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Build Your Confidence in Relationships

A few years ago, I was walking down a mostly-empty street in my neighborhood, and I saw someone walking in my direction. He was an older man, looking down, walking rather quickly. I waited for him to look up so that I could smile at him or acknowledge him in some way. He didn’t look up, and we both kept walking in our separate directions.

This went on for about four months or so. Different times of day, we passed one another, neither of us greeting one another. For years I had been completely comfortable with this kind of coexistence. I was fine to walk past people without looking at or speaking to them, without making any attempt to connect with them.

Eventually, I noticed a shift. I wanted to reach out to people. I wanted to be a safe, friendly, loving face. My first efforts at this were with this man.

Day after day this man and I walked past one another without much (if any) interaction. After a few months, I said my first “good morning” to him. He briefly looked up, glanced in my direction, looked back down, and continued his quick pace. I decided to stick with my new addition to our routine passing and continued to greet him each time we saw one another.

We pressed through this new phase of our interaction for a few months. We would approach one another; I greeted him; he would quickly glance at me and keep walking. I grew accustomed to this and began to expect it.

One day, as I was gearing up for our usual interface, something changed. I smiled, said hello… and he smiled back. He slowed down, smiled at me, and said, “It’s a beautiful morning, isn’t it?” We chatted for about a minute or so and then continued on our way.

I was elated. After almost a year of consistent behavior and subtle shifts, we were strengthening our gentle little connection. Every day after that, we shared bits of our lives with one another, our weekend plans, which books we were rereading for the hundredth time and why. I still enjoy our connection. We now look for one another and begin our conversation long before we’re side by side.

This process has taught me significant lessons.

If I had never reached out at all or given up early on when it seemed like my neighborhood friend preferred that we keep our narratives to ourselves, I wouldn’t get to enjoy the connection that we have today. If I had stopped reaching out to him any time I felt rejected or embarrassed because he didn’t meet my reach, it would have been a loss- the loss of a warm connection and the loss of my authenticity.

Just because someone might not respond the way you hope doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do or say what’s in your heart.

As I thought about what I learned from the interactions with my neighborhood friend, I started to think about how it could inform my more intimate relationships. What could I give to and gain from relationships in which I reach out empathically, patiently, selflessly? If I can reach out to a stranger for almost a year and expect nothing in return, how am I capable of being in long-term relationships? I began to wonder what my life could be like if I didn’t need anything or anyone to be different from how they are at any given moment.

What seemed like a mundane part of my day turned into an invaluable gift. I started keeping my eyes open to other lessons that might be right in front of me, lessons that I had previously ignored. I like what I am finding.

I’d love for you to tell me about your lessons. What have you found?

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

How to Compromise in Relationship

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How to Compromise in Relationship

Compromise: an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.

Think about the idea of compromise for a minute. What role does it play in your relationships? Do you compromise more than another? Does someone else? Is it pretty balanced? Or does it fluctuate?

Sometimes people dig their heels in until the other person, cries, blows up, or storms out of the room. There is a myriad of choices available to us when we think about ways to compromise… and ways to avoid compromise.

Someone can give in to another out of fear or exhaustion (or both). Someone can try to dominate or intimidate or manipulate. Usually, we feel better in our relationships when we find a middle ground.

However you decide to effect your compromise, it is most successful (and feels best) when it doesn’t include sulking, withdrawing, or harboring resentment against the other. If these things are happening, it probably means someone is not being completely honest with themselves about how they feel. When you compromise, it’s not so that either of you has something over the other; that’s not a genuine compromise.

The art of compromise takes willingness, openness, and trust. Making situational concessions within a relationship feels safer when these things have been built into your foundation. Interesting- when we compromise in a relationship with willingness, trust, and openness, we also solidify and strengthen these characteristics. And the more they solidify and strengthen, the less the act of compromise is perceived as a threat.

Here are some questions to think about:

 

1) *Mostly, we make decisions using arguments and yelling. (Yes/N0)

2) Often, I am/we are satisfied with how we resolve our differences. (Yes/No)

3) *I am/ my partner is incredibly stubborn. (Yes/No)

4) I believe/we believe that it is important to share power in a relationship. (Yes/No)

5) I am/they can relinquish partial control when I/they feel strongly about a particular issue. (Yes/No)

6) When we talk through the issue, we can usually find our middle ground. (Yes/No)

7) *One of us usually gives in to the other. We call that compromise. (Yes/No)

8) *If I give in, they do, too. (Yes/No)

9) *After compromising, one or both of us is left holding resentments. (Yes/No)

10) Each of us believes in meeting the other person where they are when we are working toward compromise. (Yes/No)

So, anything come up? If you answered “yes” to one or two of the questions with asterisks, you could probably use some other strategies when reaching a compromise. If you answered “yes” to three or more of the questions with asterisks, you could use some more strategies. If you answered “no” to any of the questions without asterisks, I would love to talk with you about ways that we can fortify your compromise skills.

Compromising isn’t easy, and there are times when we just don’t see any concessions we are willing to make. It doesn’t mean that you’re ill-matched or that you’re headed for divorce. It does say that you need to examine important characteristics, dynamics and wounds in (and sometimes outside of) the relationship. Let’s see what we can do.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

More Tips for Managing Conflict in Relationship

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More Tips for Managing Conflict in Relationship

Every so often, I find it useful to review a definition of terms with my clients. The clarification helps to illuminate more understanding (of the client’s self and their experience) and the most relevant strategies for moving forward. It’s a kind of connect-the-dots approach.

With that in mind, let’s review the difference between Compassion, Empathy, and Sympathy. Having Compassion for someone means that you have feelings of sensitivity toward them. It means that you appreciate the person’s experience without understanding and without attempting to understand what they are going through. Having Empathy for someone means that you not only have an appreciation for what someone might be experiencing but that you also understand and identify with what they are going through. If you have Sympathy for someone, it means that you pity or feel sorry them.

Most often, when we are talking about relationship dynamics (any relationship), we hear that Empathy is a rewarding way to interact. It’s pretty clear why so many of us recommend establishing Empathy in relationship. Mutual understanding fosters trust, appreciation, and connectedness between people.

When you approach people, relationships, and experiences with Empathy you create a space of safety and openness. When people experience you as safe and open, they feel more comfortable. They are less likely to feel and act defensively and much more likely to respond to you in a calm and positive way.  (Honestly, who doesn’t want to feel that their experience is appreciated and understood?)

Engaging Compassion is also positively impactful. While it’s not as powerful as Empathy (because it lacks a deeper understanding), it promotes a similar sense of safety within the relationship. I like to think of it as a useful starting point on the way to Empathy.

Sympathy is the least useful emotion since it involves no understanding, no attempt to understand, and no appreciation of an other’s experience. It connotes a kind of unilateral relationship between the sympathizer and the sympathizee. There is not much safety, openness, and connection where there is sympathy or pity. Often, Sympathy can create feelings of resentment in the sympathizee.

When you are feeling Empathic, you have less energy and room for irritability, indifference, and defensiveness. Difficult discussions are smoothed by this empathic, open, and safe space. Whether you are bringing a difficult topic to the discussion table or someone has approached you with something, the more empathy you employ, the more comfortable you will be as you work on the task.

At this point, I usually hear something like, “I need empathy, too. I don’t want to be the only one providing empathy here. What about them?!” And I get it. I don’t like my efforts of Empathy to go unmatched, either. They’re often not.Taking the initiative to create a safe place for connection is almost always reciprocated.

Some people might take a little longer than others to meet you with Empathy. Give it some time. On another hand, being the one to set the tone with Empathy also gives you the freedom and flexibility to try another approach as needed.

I’m curious to hear about how this works for you. Let me know so that we can talk about it!

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Get Along Better and Enjoy Your Relationship

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Get Along Better and Enjoy Your Relationship

What was the last vacation you took? When was it? For some of you, it’s probably been a while since your last chunk of time off.

When you’re on vacation with your significant other, what feels different between you two? Do you feel more connected? Does laughter seem to come more easily? Do you feel more playful?

Time away from your daily responsibilities can have that impact. You feel more refreshed, resourced, and balanced. Extended vacations, micro breaks, and anything in between is important for health and sustainability. Staggering down time in between work time is a significant part of optimal productivity.

Most of us have felt the surge of renewed strength and ideas after coming back from a much-needed break. Do you remember the way your body, mind, and spirit seemed to shift thrill-seeking on that outdoor adventure vacation, luxuriating in a tropical paradise, site-seeing through Bulgaria? Whatever your last vacation included, did it seem like food tasted better, steps felt lighter, and even the future seemed more hopeful? A change of scenery can help to change perspective significantly.

With this in mind, let’s talk about taking “vacations” in your relationship. I’m not talking about a hall pass. I’m referring to the incorporation of playfulness, new ideas, and a break from the routine in your relationship. The same idea behind giving yourself some time away from the daily grind can be applied to your relationship. Mix it up! Experience new ways of having fun and relaxing together. It’s great for connection.

To do this, you don’t have to have impressive financial resources. You don’t need many resources at all, for that matter, just some imagination and intentionality. Some couples like to plan weekly dates for one another, trading off weeks. Some like to orchestrate treasure hunts for one another. Maybe you want to bring a little something special to each day of the week. Monday is foot rub day. Tuesday is game night. You get the idea. The point is to integrate playfulness into your relationship to provide respite from the constant responsibility, to give your relationship a hearty belly laugh so that each of you can maintain a strong connection to one another through the ebbs and flows.

Providing fun for one another, a chance for laughter and levity can also help each of you to share new things with one another, to learn about the others’ different ways of being, different traits that you have not yet experienced. This keeps things exciting! Playfulness is an effective combatant against the tendency to fall into a rut, the predictable, the mundane.

So, shake things up! Go somewhere new. Talk about something new. Play a new game. Talk about or try something new sexually. Engage in some new experience with one another and see where it takes you! The element of surprise in these fresh encounters will feel like a cool sip of something delicious.

While we might not be in a position to take exciting luxury vacations as often as we’d like, we can bring a type of luxury and rejuvenation to our relationships. Let me know how you decide to incorporate playfulness and ingenuity into your relationship. I’m curious!

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Improve Your Active Listening and Communication Skills in Relationship

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Improve Your Active Listening and Communication Skills in Relationship

Have you ever been in conversation with someone and you get the feeling that, for some reason, you’re just not connecting with one another? One of you explains something to the other and frustration continues to build. What’s happening? Sometimes it can be difficult to pinpoint a discernable problem which can compound any frustration.

Sometimes it’s best to start with the basics to see if you can figure out what went wrong. A fundamental element of dialogue is listening. So many of our conversations start to head off the rails because we’re not listening to each other.

It’s easy to see how this happens. Sometimes we’re sharing things about ourselves that require us to take risks and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Anxiety and fear can accompany this sharing, and it can translate into impatience. We might run into some of our insecurities, which can cloud our interpretation of what someone is saying. Other times we aren’t able to completely regard what someone is communicating because we are thinking of what we’re going to say next. We’re not connecting as fully as we could be. We get into arguments, experience sadness, and feel frustration, all of which could have been prevented if we had listened to what was being said.

Most of us have experienced “the strategist.” Or some of us might be the strategist! I’m talking about the role some people play during a conversation in which they can hear some amount of distress and respond by attempting to fix the problem. What often happens is this; the strategist’s conversational counterpart describes a situation or an experience that has caused or is causing discomfort. Usually, in the spirit of support, the strategist starts to troubleshoot the problem (“Have you tried this? What about that? You know, you should…”). They’re not present with the other person. They’re not listening as much as they are reacting.

We experience the most support and connection when someone empathically listens to us, someone who wants to know about our whole experience (thoughts, feelings, behaviors), someone who wants to understand how we are impacted. Sometimes it feels like a challenge. For instance, when we are in conflict with someone, we might feel a little bit tempted to defend ourselves, place blame, or think of our next response while they’re speaking. I understand the pull here, and it’s not worth it. It often leaves us feeling worse.

Try this. Next time you’re in a conversation, set aside any distractions (including any distracting thoughts) and listen to what the other person is saying about their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Resist trying to fix, defend, or explain anything. Allow the other person to communicate their experience and allow yourself to lend a robust ear. If you hear that frustration is a part of their experience, speak to it. If they sound overwhelmed, scared or confused, let them know you see this. If their feelings are a direct result of something you have done/not done or said, it’s ok. Do it anyway; all the better that you do. You don’t have to defend yourself or explain anything right now. Just listen and let them know that you are witnessing their experience.

See where this experiment takes you. See how you feel, how the other person responds to you. The benefits are undeniable. The more you do it, the more it works. Let me know how it goes!

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Understanding and Accepting Sexuality

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Understanding and Accepting Sexuality

Remember that movie with the scene of a guy watching porn- his wife comes in, he seems embarrassed, and she yells at him? Yeah, you’re right. It does sound like a lot of scenes from a lot of different movies.

Humans seem to be engaged in a common conversation centered on our sexuality, mainly expressing that those of us who are connected to it are weasels and those of us who aren’t are honorable leaders in virtue. In most of these movies, the guy assumes responsibility for his transgression and tries to win his way back into his wife’s good graces. His wife wraps herself in support of her friends who completely understand that his act is punishable. How dare he express his sexuality!

I have been waiting for years to see a new response to this wearisome scene. Maybe the man’s partner comes in and starts watching it with him, and they have a conversation about it. Maybe they discover all sorts of information about one another, fantasies, desires, talents… who knows?! Maybe they both realize that they have more in common than they thought, but were too afraid to find out. One thing’s for sure, though; nothing shuts down the possibility of exploring new territory with someone like shaming.

Some people experience fear and hurt when they imagine their partner watching porn or masturbating. They see the browser history on the computer and feel slighted. It can be hard to feel open and curious when we feel insulted. It seems easier for us to lean on defensiveness and close ourselves off.

Let’s stop and think for a minute. What is it about others’ sexuality that spurns us so much? Is there something about how it relates to our sexuality that causes us to feel insecure, unworthy, or defective? Why? And what can we do to address this?

When we slow down and allow ourselves to be curious about why someone else’s expression of their sexuality bothers us, our discomfort becomes an opportunity for connection. That’s what we want, right? We want to feel more connected to our partners. We want a felt sense of safety and acceptance. To cultivate this, we have to do our part, which means not reacting impulsively to our fear, hurt, and anger.

“But my partner watches porn with group-sex scenes. I don’t want to have group sex…” There is an endless supply of porn that caters to any fetish, curiosity, preference, and tendency imaginable. Sometimes people who watch porn want to act out what they see and sometimes they don’t. There are plenty of queer-identified people who enjoy watching straight porn, but not straight sex. Likewise, there are a lot of people who are into queer porn but aren’t into queer sex.

There are as many reasons for why we like to watch certain types of porn as there are different genres of porn. How will we learn what we want to know about our partners’ reasons if we don’t ask? The answer we get might be a delicious surprise.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Getting Comfortable with Your Sexuality

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Getting Comfortable with Your Sexuality

Sex. Everyone thinks about it. Everyone wonders about how other people are doing it. And everyone has definitely experienced an insecurity or two about it.

 

Every day I talk to people who want to know if the way they think about, feel about, and have sex is “normal,” people who want to know if maybe they’re “normal,” but maybe not their partner(s). It’s an understandable concern. And it’s a trap.

 

Who makes the rules about what is and isn’t ok for you if not… you? Why should you leave your sexual fulfillment (and any other fulfillment, for that matter) strictly in the hands of anyone else? If you want to masturbate twenty times a week, do it. If you want to have sex twice a month, go for it. If you want to act out a fantasy with a consenting partner, why not? The message here is this; if you’re ok with it and your partner is ok with it, then it’s ok… whatever “it” is.

 

I can almost hear some of your responses. “Really, though? Is this still true if I can pretty much only get off orally?”  “And what about my fantasy of forced sex in captivity? I know that can’t be ok.” “What if people have told me that I masturbate too much…?”

 

If you are bothered by some of your preferences, thoughts, and feelings about your sexuality it could be helpful for you to get a professional’s objective opinion. A useful indicator of what is and isn’t ok for you is the level of stress that it seems to impose. And what isn’t ok for you can change; you can gain comfort with some things and lose a taste for others.

 

Something that used to send you to the nearest exit might become part of your repertoire five, ten years down the road. It’s important to explore why something isn’t comfortable for you, why it makes you anxious, repulses you, or immobilizes you. Just as important is the exploration of why something excites you, turns you on, and fascinates you. (This is true for any aspect of life, but for many people, it seems to lose it’s voice when they think about applying it to sex.)

 

If group sex is your preference, but your partner doesn’t want anything to do with it who’s “more normal”? I think you know the answer to that. Both of you! So, what do you do with the space between? You talk about it. Talk honestly about yourself. Empathically ask your partner questions. Figure out how each of you wants to integrate aspects of the others’ sexuality into the relationship. Allow yourself to take the risk of being vulnerable.

 

You have more in common with others’ sexuality than you think. Often, a safe, open, and fluid dynamic with a partner can usher you into a new, wonderful plane of connectedness to your sexuality, to yourself. Who knows what’s waiting for you?!

 

There is no normal or abnormal sexuality. The only measurements exist within what’s ok for you and the space between what’s ok for you and your partner.

 

Still, have questions or concerns about something? Let’s see what we can figure out together.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

 

Decrease Arguments and Increase Understanding in Relationship

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Decrease Arguments and Increase Understanding in Relationship

A whole experience can be regarded as a trifecta of thinking, feeling, and doing. Every day, we all walk around and bump into others’ experiences with our own, and we create more experiences and the pattern continues. Sometimes, this pattern is incredibly pleasant, and we get to feel connected to others and resourced. Other times, the pattern is fiercely dangerous to our connection, and we feel myriad feelings such as sadness, anger, hurt, and resentment. How does this happen?

Most often, the reason people experience this painful part of the pattern is because they are not taking responsibility for each point in their trifecta- responsibility for their thoughts, their feelings, and their actions. They say things like, “Well, I wouldn’t have yelled at you if you had just done what I asked you to do in the first place,” or “I wouldn’t have dismissed your opinion if I felt like you respected mine.” They almost immediately give up their integrity to another (and then punish them for it).

You might be able to identify with this pattern. So, what can you do about it? For starters, you can figure out what you want. If what you want is to be happier, more connected to your loved ones, and more understood, then you can move onto the next step. If you want to be unhappy, disconnected and misunderstood… then, don’t change anything you’re doing.

The next step is to ask yourself some questions:

1) “Why did/am I do/doing that?”

2) “How was/am I feeling?”

3) “What was/am I thinking?”

Let’s say you’re in a heated conversation with someone and you throw out the ever-loved phrase, “I wouldn’t have _______________ if you hadn’t_________.
What are you trying to communicate? (Because, give yourself some credit; I’m pretty sure you don’t think that another person can control your actions.) So, what’s going on? Were your feelings hurt? Did you feel disappointed? Is there a resentment you’ve been carrying?

It’s tempting to blame your partner (or your friend, colleague, family member) for your thoughts, feelings, and or actions, but it’s inaccurate. It’s also tempting to presume you know what they are thinking and or feeling and let this inform your actions… again, though, inaccurate. Focus on what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, and what you’re doing.

So, after you’ve uncovered your genuine feelings and thoughts, honestly communicate them to your loved one. You can even do it in the middle of a negative pattern- “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I’m feeling so frustrated because we’ve had three conversations about how you are going to start putting your shoes away yet I came home and tripped over them again. I have no idea why this keeps happening. It makes me wonder if you don’t care or don’t take it seriously or-?”

Conversations that are heavy on taking responsibility for your experience are much more productive and fulfilling than conversations that are heavy on blame and presumption. We all want to be understood, and we’re a lot more likely to increase our chances of this when we honestly communicate our experiences.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie