Showing all posts tagged relationships

Fighting for Control in Your Relationship?

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Fighting for Control in Your Relationship?

This is something a lot of couples negotiate throughout their relationships. What one person feels is common courtesy, someone else might interpret as controlling. Finding a middle ground here can be a challenge.

A lot of people can agree on some basic common courtesies. Things like, calling to say you’ll be late for dinner if someone is expecting you to be home at a specific time, filling up the gas tank after you’ve used someone else’s car, and setting your phone, work, or television show aside while someone is talking to you are all generally considered basic accommodations. But what about the specifics?

 

Much of the difference between common consideration and exerting control in a relationship lies within the intention of both members. Sometimes people aren’t aware of their intentions, and that has a tendency to obscure things. The more empathy you have for yourself and your loved one, the easier it will be to discern your true intention.

 

It’s helpful for both of you to be clear about your preferences so that you know where you stand in relationship to one another. When you’re both clear and honest about how you’d like your relationship to look, it can take some of the angst out of things. Generally, relationships feel more manageable the more everyone is aware of specific expectations.

 

Let’s take an innocuous example from what are usually basic agreements between people. Say you and your partner are watching TV, and you remember something you’ve wanted to ask them. Let’s say that you two have already talked about this kind of thing. You know that, since this is your partner’s favorite TV show, if the matter requires substantial discussion, they would appreciate your patience and waited until the program is over. If your question isn’t so pressing, your partner wouldn’t mind a quick pause in viewing for a brief discussion.

 

If one (or both!) of you experiences the other as controlling, there might be less flexibility in this scenario. Perhaps you’re not concerned with which program is on and you feel that you should be able to ask your question immediately. Maybe your partner doesn’t want to engage in any conversation, regardless of brevity, while watching TV and will not engage with you.

 

If this is the case, it might mean that some unmet needs have set up shop in your relationship. The more unresolved conflict you have about certain issues, however significant, the higher the chance of resentment clouding the communication happening between one another. If you dread bringing this up for discussion with your partner, the chances are slim that the resentment will resolve itself. Resentment doesn’t care whether you’re the one in the relationship who feels controlled or the one who is being held responsible for exerting control; both sides feel angry that they’re not getting their needs met.

 

It’s easy to see how couples can become polarized on certain issues. When that happens, both people dig in their heels, and the last thing they would do is back down. Subjects that started out as a matter of common courtesy start to feel more like issues of control. You can find soothing relief when both of you share your experience of what feels courteous and what feels controlling.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

 

Secrets to Managing Defensiveness in Relationship

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Secrets to Managing Defensiveness in Relationship

Partner A: “Ok… look at this mess! I thought you said you were going to do the dishes?!”
Partner B: “Do you have any idea what kind of day I’ve had? I don’t need this right now.”
Partner A: “Well, I wouldn’t have to yell at you about it if you’d just do them in the first place.”
Partner B: “You don’t have to yell at me at all. If it bothers you that much why don’t you just do them yourself or stop looking at them or something. You make it so much worse for yourself.”
(Cue: explosion)

 

When you express your feelings to someone, you feel better when they respond with something along the lines of, “I don’t think I could care any less than I do right now,” right? Nope. You’re absolutely right. When you tell someone how you feel, it’s usually because you’re hoping that the two of you will connect in some way.

 

There are plenty of ways to communicate feelings, some more provocative than others. The provocative deliveries can make it tempting to snap back with a defensive answer. Even calm approaches to expressing feelings can be met with a defensive response. Bottom line- it’s not that hard to become defensive.

 

Statements used in defense can be made with a few different undertones- criticism, deflection, blame, contempt, and rejection. They convey ideas like; “You’re wrong for feeling like this,” “My experience is more important than yours,” “Your dissatisfaction is your fault,” “Your needs make me angry,” and “This is your problem. Deal with it”. These are tough ideas to sit with, especially when you’re sharing your feelings.

 

I’m not saying it’s ideal to come home from a long day and be met with instant need; I know most of us would rather relax. It’s also not ideal to get into an argument and feel disconnected from your partner. Defensiveness is an efficient way to engage an argument and reduce intimacy!

 

So, what can you do instead? For starters, you can take a few moments before you answer. Think about what they might be experiencing. Do they seem overwhelmed? Insecure? Lonely? Scared? Understanding the need that someone is communicating to you can make it a little easier to respond with empathy.

 

Partner A: “Ok… look at this mess! I thought you said you were going to do the dishes?!”
Partner B: “You’re right; I did. I’m sorry I haven’t done them yet. I had such a long day that all I wanted to do is come home and relax.”
Partner A: “My days are long, too. We still have to help out; otherwise, things start to pile up.”
Partner B: “I guess I didn’t really think about the impact it has on you.”
Partner A: “Sorry I attacked you. I’ve just been feeling so overwhelmed…”
Partner B: “I definitely don’t want to add to that. I guess we’ve both been feeling overwhelmed.”

 

A little empathy can go a long way. While this conversation isn’t over, it is on the right track. By being open to what your partner is trying to tell you, you create a safe place for both of you to express challenges without blame or judgment.

 

Dealing with challenges can be scary and assuaging fear is a lot easier to do in an environment of empathy. Ditch the defense.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

 

Will Couples Therapy Save Your Relationship?

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Will Couples Therapy Save Your Relationship?

Pretty frequently, people ask me if I think couples therapy can “save” their relationship. Most of the time, with this question, what people are asking me is if they’ll be ok. People want to know that, no matter what the outcome, they will thrive.

There are many issues that drive couples to seek therapy or counsel. Sometimes couples feel that they have drifted apart and aren’t feeling as connected as they’d like. Sometimes couples come to me after some breach of trust; infidelity, financial mismanagement, and manifestations of addiction are common problems. Here, the common thread is an overall gap in understanding either partner’s experience.

Somewhere in the relationship, it became difficult to be honest with the other (and, frequently, with oneself). Feelings, needs, and experiences went unspoken, behaviors changed, and a felt sense of connection waned. Maybe this happened pretty early on in the relationship. Maybe it happened after careers and kids and the routine ebb and flow of life. Understandably, a lot of couples fear the implications of this disturbance in their connection so, they try to ignore it and hope it goes away.

More often than not, these problems don’t just disappear. It’s more common for issues to pick up speed and feel increasingly out of control. Quickly, things can feel incredibly not ok.

Sometimes it’s a matter of helping a couple shift how they manage conflict, increasing empathy, and fostering a sense of openness to one other. Other times, couples find that they are not well-matched. In this case, the goal is to explore the couple’s options. Is it better for everyone involved if the couple separates or divorces? Is a negotiation conceivable? No matter what the solution, a shift in an intimate relationship can feel scary and unpredictable.

Couples therapy can be an invaluable tool that helps couples overcome their fear, relational obstacles, and doubt. It can help couples get to a place in the relationship where they feel solid and held by one another. And it can help them get to a place of acceptance if the most appropriate solution is to part ways. Couples can find hope and comfort regardless of their decision to separate or stay together.

When a couple comes in for therapy, both members have been experiencing significant pain and distress. It can feel like an immediate decision must be made. One or both members often feel overwhelmed and are searching for a solution that will bring them soothing and relief. It’s best to slow things down. We are most successful in the decision-making process when we have the most comprehensive information; it takes time to acquire the necessary information.

Useful coping techniques are available to every couple so that they can find stability and resource in-between sessions. No matter what a couple’s instigating problem, there are exercises they can practice that will provide containment of overwhelming feelings, enlightenment about a particular issue, and increased patience. Couples therapy won’t definitively “save” a relationship, but it will foster safety, organization, and hope for whatever is to come. You will be ok.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Falling in Love- Again

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Falling in Love- Again

Feel like you need to reconnect? With the responsibility to work, family, chores, and any other commitments you have, it can be easy to find yourself spending less and less quality time with your partner. You feel tired, stressed, and stretched thin. You start to feel like you’re energy level allows you to merely flip on the T.V. and fall asleep in front of it. With this kind of pattern, your relationship can start to feel less rewarding. You want to feel closer, but you can’t seem to find the time.

While it’s great to share stories about your day, catch each other up on the latest who-did-what and your experiences, there are other, more intimate ways to ground your relationship than the standard “how was your day?” approach. Here are a few simple strategies that can yield increased positivity between you and yours.

After your long day, when you get home and see one another, initiate intentional physical contact with one another. Sometimes it might be in the form of a sustained hug and a kiss. Maybe other days it will be something more playful and light-hearted. Experiencing one another’s touch, smell, and physical proximity in this way is a powerful catalyst for reconnection.

Another impactful technique you can use is to let your loved one know how much you’ve missed them, thought about them, or how glad you are to see them. Saying the words, “You’re home! I missed you today,” or “ Oh my gosh, I’m so glad to see you,” can express to your partner the appreciation you have for them, the warmth you feel, and your desire to feel close. What they can experience after hearing those words is powerful- an experience of being nurtured, wanted and held. (And who doesn’t love feeling that?!)

Eye contact is another simple way to reground yourselves in your relationship. During an embrace, gazing into one another’s eyes can heighten the feeling of intimacy at that moment. Talking with one another about your day, how glad you are to be home with one another while making eye contact engages more of your whole self. So much can be communicated through eye contact- their appreciation for you, your need for support, mutual admiration, and so many other feelings. This can strengthen the connection between you and allow both of you to feel more held in the relationship.

Set aside technology at some point during the evening. Agree to an amount of time if you wish 20, 45, 60 minutes- whatever seems feasible, and turn off your T.V.; silence your phones, tablets, computers, and other devices you have. Turn them over or put them in the next room and focus on one another. We compromise our connection and ability to be present with one another when we split our attention. Sure, multitasking has its place, and that place is not between you and your partner as you spend quality time together.

These are just a few strategies that you can put toward reigniting the intimate connection between you and your partner. Maybe you can’t find more time, but with a few tweaks here and there, you’ll see that you can make some. And a little quality time can go a long way.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Are You Sex Positive… Or Sex Reckless?

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Are You Sex Positive… Or Sex Reckless?

People ask me a lot of questions about sex positivity, what it is, why it’s important, and how they can begin to lead a sex positive lifestyle. I like to make the distinction about what sex positivity is and is not. A lot of people have made and live by decisions about sexuality based on misinformation. They have experienced a lack of critical information.

On another hand, sometimes people believe that they’re already living a sex positive lifestyle when they’re living a sex reckless lifestyle. They have difficulty acknowledging that boundaries, limits, awareness, and safety play an essential role in sex positivity. So, what is the difference between sex positivity and sex recklessness? Let’s cover some of the important basics.

At its foundation, sex positivity is a desire for awareness of and an authentic respect for sexuality. It expands to said respect for and awareness of your sexuality and others’. The ability to be sex positive is informed by an ability to acknowledge your fear and the judgments, inhibitions, and missteps that can come from fear.

Being sex positive means discovering your sexual needs and wishes, gaining awareness of your sexual boundaries and limits, and using this information to enrich your sexual life and relationships. Sex positivity also means engaging in healthy and safe behavior including (but not limited to) getting tested regularly for STIs, using proper barriers such as condoms and dental dams, being honest with partners about any STI status, engaging in consensual sex with people after trust and safety measures have been established, and respecting everyone’s boundaries including your own. Honesty is a mainstay when it comes to sex positivity. Whether it’s planning a vacation during which you know, you will be using substances that alter your judgment and planning accordingly or attending to responsibilities after the fact, the more honest you are with yourself, the better your outcome.

Being sex positive means abstaining from slut and sex shaming others whose desires, activity, and behaviors are different from your own or those whose desires, activity, and behavior you believe to be different from your own.

Sex recklessness is engaging in unsafe sex (not using barriers with those whose STI status you don’t know or with those who are positive for STIs, engaging in sexual activity with others where trust has not been established, using substances while engaging in sex without established trust, and not exercising respect for your own and others’ boundaries, just to name some basics). Sex reckless behavior is manifested in the unexamined fear that you hold about aspects of sexuality which you use to avoid the conversations, precautions, and awareness that are needed to establish and maintain a safe and healthy lifestyle. The more you talk about sexuality in a way that puts you in touch with your insight and reflection, the less likely you are to put yourself (and others) at risk.

Not everyone uses the best methods for safety and makes the optimal choices in every single sexual encounter. If you are sex positive, you will be honest with yourself about these occasions, take responsibility for your part in them, and allow yourself to learn from them.

If you would like to know more or discuss this with me, please feel free to email me natalie@nataliemillsmft.com or call me (415) 794-5243.

Go on. Your sex-positive life is waiting for you!

Reduce Arguments, Yelling, and Fighting in Your Relationship

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Reduce Arguments, Yelling, and Fighting in Your Relationship

Why do we get into arguments and why do we continue engaging them once we’ve recognized they’ve begun? Most of the time, we don’t aim to argue when we enter into a discussion. In fact, a lot of us might say that they just seem to happen; as though independent of us or our involvement, arguments mysteriously happen. Luckily for us, arguments don’t just spring out of nowhere, and we can manage them in an effectively.

Don’t get me wrong; there are venues in which it’s an asset to don a steely arguing style. This kind of arguing has no place in our intimate relationships. Better save that for when you’re fighting for social justice.

When we’re arguing with someone, we love it’s most likely because both members were trying to be heard, seen, and understood. Somewhere during the conversation, we felt that our needs weren’t being met, we became frustrated, and our need to be right took over.

What we’ve begun to do- yell, blame, self-defend, none of it will be helpful to our connection with our loved one. It’s alienating and will take us further from our goal of connection and mutual understanding. As soon as we’re aware that we are stepping into or have already begun engagement in an argument, we need to pause. It’s helpful for us to think about what we were trying to communicate to our partner(s) at the start, before the yelling, before the detours.

Then, it’s helpful for us to be mindful of our voice. Lowering our tone and slowing our cadence begins to calm us and allows for our loved one(s) to calm. This gives us all some space to breathe, think about, and listen to what’s being said instead of enduring rapid fire. Do you notice that you’re talking over one another? Yeah, not a lot gets heard that way. Let’s make sure everyone is given their time to speak. Respect one another’s voice. If someone jumps in and starts talking over someone else, it’s ok to say something like, “Wait a minute, I’m not done,” or whatever you feel represents you.

Stay away from accusation and fabrication or hyperbole. Now is not the time for us to be critical or exaggerate about anything.

It’s also helpful for us to keep ourselves compassionately curious. Engaging our compassionate curiosity allows us to wonder about our loved one. Where are they coming from? What must they be feeling and why? What was their expectation and how is it different from what is presently happening? This encourages us to feel empathy for our loved one. It’s much less challenging to interact in a calm, respectful way that is easy to understand when you are coming from a place of compassion and empathy.

Once we’ve connected to our empathy, we can think about admitting our mistakes. Taking responsibility for any wrong-doing cleans up our side of the street and helps decrease any resentment experienced on the other side.

As the tension de-escalates and we ground ourselves, we have the energy to put toward respecting our partners’ opinions, experiences, and feelings, however, different from our own.

Once we’ve reached an agreement or tabled the discussion, it’s a great idea to exercise our humility with the proceedings and outcomes, whatever they are. We’re on the same team as our loved ones, remember? The objective is to feel more connected to and understood by one another, not alienated and distant. When we think about arguments in such terms, we allow ourselves to see that we’ve been misidentifying our actions when we refer to “winning an argument.”

Love and Be Loved,

Natalie             

Cultivating Emotional Connectedness in Your Relationships

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Cultivating Emotional Connectedness in Your Relationships

How often do you find yourself thinking, “We’re just not as close as I wish we were,”? You might have this wish about any relationship, a partner, a friend, a family member.  When you don’t feel as connected as you’d like to be to someone you love, it can feel destabilizing and incredibly dissatisfying. If you’ve had this particular conversation with said loved one, expressing your desire to be more connected and you’re still not experiencing the closeness you desire, it can begin to feel hopeless.

Sometimes the two of you can have conversations about this that feel helpful. It allows you to feel that you’re working together to shift this, to deepen the relationship. Other times, you feel as though your conversations go nowhere and you’re on your own. You’re both dissatisfied with the level of emotional connectedness, but it feels as though the other member of your relationship is unwilling to put in the work.

Whichever less-than-ideal situation you find yourself, there are things you can do to empower yourself which will help you to take active steps toward cultivating the emotional connected you seek.

An important place to start is by showing up for yourself. Showing up for yourself allows you to feel self-supporting, nurtured, and in touch with your resilience. This might look different for each person, but there are some basics. Taking care of your health is an essential target that many people miss. Balancing the time you need for sleep, exercise, work, and play doesn’t always feel like a choice. It helps if you look at how you choose to spend your days. Whether you are going to school, pursuing a dream of starting your own business, or working two or three jobs. Ask yourself if this is your choice. If it’s not then the next question you might want to ask yourself is “why am I doing this?” If you answered, “because I have to,” take some time to check in with yourself about why. Most of us have more choices than immediately occur to us. Showing up for yourself also looks like employing thoughtful and nonreactive self-advocacy when you don’t like the way you are being spoken to or treated. You can show up for yourself by being protective of your time and ensuring that you provide down time for yourself. Showing up for yourself also means not taking on more in a relationship than you what you genuinely feel comfortable. This means emotional, financial, household, and any other type of responsibility. When you show up for yourself you are less likely to martyr yourself in relationship, more likely to show up fully for others, and less likely to experience feelings of resentment.

A second strength you can exercise to cultivate emotional connection is finding compassionate curiosity in yourself about the other person. Why does this person do what they do, say what they say, react the way they react? What is their experience in their relationship with you? You’ll notice that I put the words “compassionate” and curiosity” right next to one another. This curiosity is something that will benefit you and your quest the more genuine it is so, be sure to practice it freely and often. Ask your loved one how they experienced what you’ve just said that’s gotten them so upset. Allow yourself to be open to their feelings. This isn’t the time to defend yourself; you want to know why they’re upset, not how you can get yourself off the hook. I get that it can be difficult to feel compassionately curious about anything when you’re arguing with someone or engaged in an escalating conversation. Try it out when you are feeling calm or only mildly irritated. When you allow yourself to be genuinely and compassionately curious about someone you love the conversation can become about understanding and less about arguing and yelling over one another.

Another great way to work toward emotional connectedness is by exercising active listening. (This can also be used while you are compassionately curious!) When you are actively listening to someone with whom you are trying to build your emotional connection, you are not seeking convenient places to jump in to argue your case, set up your next defense, or find inconsistencies in their statements. You are trying to find out how they are feeling, what they are thinking, what their experience is, and what has caused them to think, feel, and experience these things. How can you find out this valuable information when you are preparing what you’re doing to say next? (The answer is: you cannot.) You want this person to hear you, right? They want you to hear them, too. Start by slowing down these interactions and give them your full attention. It will catch on.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Respecting the Value of Porn

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Respecting the Value of Porn

As a sex-positive therapist, many clients seek my help for concerns they have about their sexuality, looking for guidance as they navigate sexual and or intimate relationships, and supportive treatment for symptoms related to the sexual trauma they have experienced. They often have many questions about normalcy and fear of the unknown. Overall, I see a common thread of emotion woven into many of these concerns: shame. So many people feel ashamed of their desires, feelings, and experiences. A common subject broached by clients is porn and their shame around watching and enjoying it. (There are other subjects which I will address in later posts.)

Overall, women who view porn are often seen as depraved sex fiends and antifeminist, in addition to myriad other misguided opinions. Men who view porn are seen as typical misogynist cads…  So we don’t talk about watching porn. And we don’t talk about enjoying it. Porn is so feared and detested that we, as porn viewers, fear what it might mean about ourselves to watch and enjoy it. We are encouraged to hate the parts of ourselves which derive pleasure from it.

If we did feel safe enough to have an open dialogue with one another about the value of porn, what might we say?

Some of us might say that porn has helped us to connect with our authentic sexuality for the first time. Where previously we had experienced discomfort, fear, shame, or a combination of any of these feelings when accessing our sexuality at anything deeper than surface level, porn has served for some of us to explore this part of ourselves in a safe, nonjudgmental space. Porn has gifted curiosity about ourselves, what we like (and what we don’t), what we want, what we want to try, ways of expressing desire, and what might make us feel desired.

Others might say that they find value in queer or feminist porn, that they like to see people who look like them enjoying their authentic sexuality. These members of our community might say that it’s refreshing and empowering to watch scenes in which they are represented and to which they can relate, scenes that inspire them.

Maybe some of us would share that watching porn has enriched our sexual relationship with our partners. We might have experienced a lull or predictable sex, maybe disconnected sex, and much of it unsatisfying. As we explored the world of porn with our partner(s), we realized things they wanted that they didn’t feel comfortable revealing before. We noticed more ease in talking about the sex we were (and weren’t) having with one another and the sex that we wanted. We began to feel more connected to one another and less afraid of talking about what we want, less afraid of the awareness of what we want.

Such incredible connection and growth are happening for people watching porn, and we are discouraged form sharing it with one another. We are experiencing a wonderful, life-affirming treasure, and yet we are told that it’s toxic garbage.

Let’s stop playing along. We can show the others what they’re missing, those who don’t watch porn and those who pretend they don’t. We can show them there’s nothing to fear and everything to gain by sharing the valuable experiences we have had thanks to porn. Who else is with me?

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

 

Your Relationship Can Survive Infidelity

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Your Relationship Can Survive Infidelity

Most members of romantic relationships have a list of negotiables and nonnegotiables, things about which they wouldn’t mind compromising and things that are relationship-ending deal-breakers. Some people don’t know what theirs are right off the top of their heads, and others have had this list for years. Take a minute to think of what some of your nonnegotiables are in a romantic relationship.

The most common item at the top of these lists is infidelity. I’ve had a lot of clients who are pretty sure that there’s no way their relationship can or will survive infidelity. The one who was cheated on fears that it will happen again, that they can never regain what they feel they’ve lost, and that they’ll be a fool if they stay. The one who cheated feels like they must forever repent and feels as if they are no longer entitled to their feelings about what has happened in the relationship, and each member feels incredibly disconnected from the other. It takes hard work by willing and committed participants, but, by no means, does infidelity have to mean ending your relationship.

Cheating is often a symptom of a relationship that hasn’t been getting what it needs for a fair amount of time. Some people will read this and misunderstand that to mean, “Hey, they weren’t getting what they needed from you, so they went looking for it somewhere else.” This is not what I am saying. I’m talking about everyone in the relationship, all sides.

Every member of a relationship has needs. We bring our different communication styles, ways of showing and receiving love, histories, and insecurities in with us. At the intersection of where we make space and balance for each of these for every member is where the relationship is. And it’s usually at this intersection where people run into trouble. It can be easy to fall into a routine and stop taking time for one another. Sometimes we don’t appreciate each other as much. Maybe someone in the relationship feels burdened by their role(s) and doesn’t know how to express it. At some point, you were genuinely expressing yourselves, but for whatever reason, that doesn’t feel like an option anymore. Time passes, and these issues get worse. You still love one another, but you don’t know how to address any of this, and it feels pretty hopeless. You’re carrying a lot of resentment, you’re tired, frustrated, and you’re afraid that this is what your relationship is going to look like from now on.

People use cheating as a band-aid for their pain for many reasons. Sometimes it serves to abate loneliness. Sometimes it helps them to recapture a part of themselves they feel they’re losing, or they fear won’t be accepted by their current partner(s). Many people look to infidelity because they fear that, to address dissatisfaction in their relationship, could be to end the relationship. They see it as a way to stabilize themselves in a significant relationship that they don’t want to lose.

The most common reaction to an affair is the one who didn’t cheat to begin harsh punishment for the one who cheated. This is an understandable impulse, but disturbing to the healing process since it implies that the next step is the one who cheated to win back the grace of the other. But both of you are injured parties here. Both of you have been suffering, and both of you are in pain. It doesn’t help either of you to move through this if you punish this person. It will not make you feel better. Likewise, if you are the one who cheated, it will not make it any better if you throw yourself at the mercy of the other. You don’t have to ignore your anger and hurt, and you don’t have to ignore your guilt, but you don’t have to act them out, either.

Common terms used to identify who’s who in episodes of infidelity are “offending party” and “injured party,” but when something like this happens in a relationship, I consider every member to be an injured party. It’s clear that everyone has been suffering long before the affair.

It’s important to explore what happened before, what lead to this so that you can stop living in pain, rebuild trust, regain connection, and make your relationship as healthy and satisfying as you want it to be.

If you have questions about this or would like to set up an appointment, please call me at
(415) 794-5243 or go to my Contact Me page. I look forward to working with you.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Conflict and Connection in Familial Relationships

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Conflict and Connection in Familial Relationships

As clients have come through my door, I’ve noticed that there are some things we as humans take for granted. These things tend to fluctuate from group to group and cohort to cohort, but there is one pervasive idea, seemingly present in all groups, woven deeply into relationships. It’s the one that causes adult children and their parents to be surprised when, looking at their parents/children, this thought crosses their minds, “I don’t know you…” and the feelings that follow.

If you’re lucky, this thought does creep into your consciousness every so often, instead of lingering on the fringe of awareness or deep in the inaccessible regions of your unconscious. I’m sure you can imagine that it’s much more challenging to deal with things that cause you pain when it feels like you can hardly identify what it is that’s causing the pain. It’s not all that complicated; people feel better when they know what’s bothering them, address it, and find what works for them to resolve it.

Now that you’re ok with painful thoughts being present in your consciousness (Woah, that was fast. You just cut your time needed for therapy right in half!), let’s focus on this particular thought, the one that can make parents and their adult children feel like they’re preparing for war when they reunite for holidays, the one that makes one (or both) members of the group(s) avoid phone calls and take an extra long time to return them, the one that makes a visit between the two groups feel obligatory and not warm or enjoyable, the one that makes us feel like familiar enemies and strangers, at best.

Nearly everyone I see comes to me because there is a relationship that they want to change in some way, have a better understanding or strengthen; almost all have reported a wish to realign themselves with their parent(s) at some point, but aren’t able to experience it. This is usually because we tend to have a long chain of memories and events from the past that accompanies these relationships and our feelings and reactions to these events and memories. For some of you reading this, you might feel that there is something you have to do or say (to yourself or your loved one(s)), some action that must take place before you can practice this exercise. Only you know what you need to allow yourself to practice this so, trust yourself.

 

Most often in my posts, I have multi-step processes. You’ll find that in this post I have a single step:

 

  1. Experiment with letting go of needing to set the record straight.

 

This takes a) a lot of patience b) a strong commitment to change your relationship c) compassion for both yourself and your loved one, and d) trust in yourself. The process allows both sides to stop trying to force the other to see either version of what happened (since you can’t force anyone into or out of their experience of something); it stops the relationship from playing an inauthentic win/lose game. Whether you are the parent or the adult child, if you start to reveal yourself for who you have become instead of who you used to be (or who you think you used to be), you will find yourself in a more curious and connected place to one another. You will make enough space in the relationship to move away from blame, resentment, needing to be right, enough to both see your loved one and be seen by your loved one. Sometimes this will happen quickly, sometimes slowly. Sometimes your loved one might not be able to reciprocate in a positive way at all. While you cannot control what the other chooses to do or acknowledge, you can continue to be a reflection of your authenticity.

To some of you, this might sound a little backward, “Shouldn’t we come to an understanding about the past before we’re able to forge ahead?” For some people (and many reasons), it isn’t possible. Others of you might be a little skeptical at the thought of letting anyone off the hook. It isn’t that. It’s just making room for a different part of the relationship that didn’t have enough room to breathe until now. When you can begin to see and appreciate one another for who you have become, you will be more open to hearing one another’s past experiences of one another as you will have strengthened the connection between one another.

Find the willingness within you to set aside the story by which you have lived. The idea that “He/She/They don’t want to have a relationship with me,” is rarely true. Most often we just don’t know how. We experience a lot of pain within the relationship, and we stop trying. Either side tells themselves that “If he/she/they loved me he/she/they would find a way to make the relationship work,” and either side is right. Or wrong, depending on how you see it.

Maybe part of your story is that your parent(s) judged you more critically than your siblings and you felt you were never accepted nor understood. (And maybe your parent(s) experienced themselves as pushing you toward the success of which they knew you were capable, and they don’t have a clear understanding of why you’re unhappy with them.) Maybe your story is that you did everything you thought was right for your kid, worked long hours to be a good provider, sent them to good schools, and s/he is decidedly unhappy and suffering. (And maybe your kid’s story is that you were not present in her/his life because you were always working and when you came home from work, you constantly pushed homework.) Neither side is wrong, but each lived experience is completely different. Letting go of the need to set the record straight, just for a while, can increase greater understanding of the other, start to answer questions like, “why can’t we ever get along” and “who are you” because it allows us to begin to see our loved one through a different lens… and see them.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie